I'm a technology trainer who works most of the day on the phone. Once in a while I deal while someone who makes me want to scream. Today was one of those days. Thankfully, I, too, have a helpline I can contact. Thanks again, Drew. This is the transcript of our conversation.
[12:24] JoesGolfWorks: I HATE STUPID PEOPLE!!!!
[12:25] zaphodbb1: there's so many of them
[12:25] zaphodbb1: there are so many of them? there're so many of them?
[12:25] zaphodbb1: me hate them too
[12:26] JoesGolfWorks: Argh.
[12:26] zaphodbb1: what's up?
[12:26] JoesGolfWorks: I'm in the middle of a phone training with a moron.
[12:27] JoesGolfWorks: What's USB?
[12:27] JoesGolfWorks: I plug it in where?
[12:27] JoesGolfWorks: How many times should I push the button when I double-click?
[12:27] JoesGolfWorks: Does it open faster if I click it more?
[12:29] JoesGolfWorks: If I stick my hand in a running blender, will it hurt?
[12:29] zaphodbb1: (1) It stands for Unified Server Bitrate. You need to purchase a collateral systematic defibrillator for it to properly coagulate the parse-rate. (2) Find a hole that fits and jam it in. If it won't go all the way, try harder. (3) Three. (4) No, it stores the clicks up for next time so you don't have to click as often.
[12:30] JoesGolfWorks: LOL
[12:30] JoesGolfWorks: Thank you. I needed that.
[12:31] zaphodbb1: Any time.
[12:33] zaphodbb1: I don't have the patience for tech support. I did it for a month, and that was enough for a lifetime.
Ah, friends.
Laterz
Friday, July 29, 2005
Monday, July 25, 2005
Back pain
So then you meet the right girl and you have similar career goals and family goals and you get married. And though you both want to have kids, you also know it’s “NOT THE RIGHT TIME”. (Say this in the VOICE OF GOD.) So she goes on “the pill”. Now, if you have good health insurance, “the pill” costs $10 a month, because that’s your copay. However, if you don’t have insurance, it costs approximately as much as buying a new Ford Escort. (My wife tells me this is untrue; that it only costs $30 a month, but it sure seemed like a lot when we were first married.) But that’s okay, because you don’t actually want a new Escort, but you definitely want to make sure you don’t get pregnant right then. So you eat lots of Ramen noodles, because that’s all you can afford after paying for birth control, and you continue with your life.
And then, after a few years of having everyone you know tell you “You can never AFFORD to have kids, you just HAVE them!”, you decide that it might be time to think about getting pregnant. This is a very major step, because the truth is, you don’t feel like an adult yet. Though you badly want to have kids, the sooner the better, the thought of having a little helpless person depending on you for everything, or else it will DIE, does not put you at ease, because the only plant in your house that you haven’t killed is the Christmas Cactus your high school librarian gave you as a graduation present, and that’s only because it doesn’t mind if you only water it every 3 months or so. And there have STILL been a couple close calls. But, thankfully, you married someone smarter than you are, and you know that even if you forget that you have a baby for a month or two, (HEY, it’s basketball season! My brain space is completely taken up by rebounds per game and Western Conference injury reports! I can’t remember EVERYTHING!) she will, in all likelihood, remember to feed the baby. (Of course I don't actually think I'd forget I have a child. I've never gone more than a week with out feeding the cats.)
So you start “trying”.
Warning! The rest of this column contains mention of SEX. If you are uncomfortable with the topic of SEX, DO NOT read on. If you are in any way related to me, consider whether or not this is a mental picture you want to be saddled with for the rest of your life.
And so begins the saga of infertility. When you tell a doctor that you've been "trying" for 6 months and you're still not pregnant, they tell you that you're "infertile" There are a variety of causes for this. In our case, S.A. suffers from something called PCOS, poly-cystic ovarian syndrome. But it doesn't really matter what the reason is, because all you're thinking is that you've been paying for birth control pills for years when there was absolutely no reason to do so because you COULDN'T GET PREGNANT ANYWAY.
But the doctors tell you not to worry; that they can get you pregnant. And because you have a female doctor, you don't assume that this statement involves anything inappropriate. The first thing they have you do (And by YOU I mean the woman. They pretty much tell the man to sit there and be quiet.) is to take hormones. Hormones are EXPENSIVE. Well, they're not too bad to start; about the same as birth control. But by the time they have OCTUPLED your dose, they cost about as much as an Escalade. Intentionally taking hormones at all seems silly to me, because I’ve been around my wife during PMS and she seems to have an excess of hormones. And furthermore, I’m pretty damn sure she wouldn’t be willing to pay for them, because they occasionally make her act like Linda Blair in the Exorcist. Yet, because the doctor said so, we pay for the hormones even though it means not buying our Escalade that month.
THEN she has to take fertility pills. Evidently, some women’s bodies decide it’s unfair that the guy sends 87 billion sperm at the 1 egg she sends out every month, so they decide not to send out ANY eggs some months and when they do send somebody out, it’s the ugly, misshapen egg who never seems to get any dates. (Poor spermies… It’s like trying to pick up chicks at a monster truck rally.) So she takes fertility pills, which are supposed to convince the body to send out a few eggs at a time, which you really hope they do, because these pills cost about as much as a Ferrari.
After a couple months with no baby, they decide to do an ultrasound of the ovaries to see if there are any eggs being produced. This is done by inserting a wand into the birth canal and pushing until the doctor can gently stroke the woman’s tonsils with the wand. I’m sure it’s very little fun for the woman on whom it’s being performed, but it REALLY sucks for the guy who has to watch. There are things in life NO guy should ever witness, and watching a doctor insert her arm up to the shoulder inside your wife is DEFINITELY one of them. Also at about this time, they ask the guy to undergo semen analysis. No biggie there. They ask you to bring in a sample in a cup, because evidently a dirty Kleenex contaminates the sample. It’s very odd handing a Tupperware full of ejaculate to a nurse approximately your grandmother’s age. It's also REALLY uncomfortable when the office manager of the urology clinic conducting the test, with whom you must have discussions about your sperm, is your mother-in-law.
Anyway, after about 4 more months of hormones and fertility pills, which do not result in a baby, but very nearly result in divorce on numerous occasions, you start looking for another, more serious, approach.
So you go and talk to “The Fertility Specialist”(reproductive endocrinologist, for all you science nerds). Now you might ask, “Who the hell have you been talking to for the past 6 months?” An OB-GYN, of course! Because there ARE no fertility specialists in Northern Michigan! So you meet with a specialist from Ann Arbor who tells you it’s time for IN VITRO FERTILIZATION (IVF). That’s when they harvest eggs from the woman and inject the man’s sperm into them. I’m not clear on how they harvest the eggs, but I like to imagine a really small grain combine (Think Dennis Quaid in “Inner Space”.) driving around through her ovaries. This procedure makes the cost of fertility drugs seem like pocket change. It’s like being told that you, personally, must now finance the production of the Stealth Bomber. Thankfully, your wife is skeptical, because she's read that there are normally a few steps taken between fertility hormones and IVF. So she arranges to get a second opinion from another fertility specialist in Grand Rapids, and this doc says not to rush things. He feels it’s time for shots.
Now the prospect of my wife getting shots doesn’t really bother me. I actually welcome it, because the shots only cost as much as a regular passenger jet, as opposed to a stealth bomber, and, thankfully, SHE’S the one who’s gonna get poked. But then they hit you with the kicker. The shots must be given AT HOME. AND YOU (the man) ARE GONNA HAVE TO GIVE THEM!
I hate needles. I have a long history of passing out when given shots. And it’s even worse to watch someone else get one. So what do I say to this new plan? Of course I say, “Yes dear.” And so I give her 4 shots in 4 days and I do not pass out once, though I do get light headed and break out in a cold sweat on a couple occasions. And then comes the moment that you thought would be the good part, when you started “trying” months ago.
When you’re young, you don’t think you can ever have enough sex. That is because you’re young and stupid. Sex is great when it’s just for fun, but it turns out that when you’re “trying”, it becomes just a little bit less so. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still great, but it certainly takes away from the spontaneity of the situation. Instead of “Hey there, baby. ::nudge, nudge::” it becomes, “WE HAVE TO GO HOME BECAUSE I’M OVULATING NOW!!!!”
Which leads me to my point.
I’m sore today. My back is killing me. This is a result of “trying”. I hurt my back a little bit while “trying” on Saturday night and then I re-aggravated it golfing yesterday afternoon. Last night, when it was time to “try” again, I knew I had to take one for the team, even though I could hardly move. So I did. And today, I kept having to pause my desk work in order to lie for a moment on the floor. And I’ve decided I need to bitch about it. Anyway, that’s pretty much the whole of it. Thanks for letting me vent.
Laterz
Spike in Portugese
I have a site counter for this blog. I put in on as a sort of lark, but I figured, hey, why not. So I check it periodically and it gives me some interesting info. Like for instance, I know that as i type this, there is a visitor reading my blog from central Georgia. (The state, not the ex-Russian republic.) Anyway, I was looking through the available stats as I kill time before I can go home, and I noticed that almost 4% of the people who read my blog do so in PORTUGESE. I looked at the time zone map that shows me how many people read my blog in each time zone and it doesn't look like I have many readers in western Europe which leads me to believe that I have readers in Brazil. This blows my mind. I've never been to Brazil and I know that much of the country is rain forests and whatnot, but I'm saying right now- If someone is reading my blog, rather than sitting on a topless beach in Rio, their priorities are a bit screwy. But anyway, I'm interested now. The time zone map says I've got readers in Europe, Asia, South America... All the hell over the place. So from now on, if you're from somewhere other than the U.S. , leave a comment, or else a note on the tagboard. For that matter, if you're from the U.S., leave a note. I wanna see where my message is going out to. And also if there are any governments I should apologize to for spreading this drivel. So let me know.
Laterz
Laterz
Seriously?
Walked into the kitchen this morning, where my wife was listening to NPR. Sometimes I think walking in to the middle of a radio program is worse than walking in on the middle of a conversation. But just so know know, Fiddler Crabs have tongues ON THEIR FEET. Seriously. I just had to pass that along.
Laterz
Laterz
Friday, July 22, 2005
Peace of mind
For everyone who was worried, our roomie found out yesterday that he will, in fact, have a home to move into when he leaves us next month. This eases my mind considerably. He's a good guy, and truly one of the better roommates I've even had, so I'm very happy he look like he'll have a decent situation to step into.
It's been my pleasure to help him out these past few months while he was getting his shit together. Now the only problem will be how to find time to pay more attention to the cats who are definitely going to miss their quality time with Uncle Liam. (And also going to miss the smokes I'm pretty sure they're bumming off him. Damn feline reprobates...)
Laterz
It's been my pleasure to help him out these past few months while he was getting his shit together. Now the only problem will be how to find time to pay more attention to the cats who are definitely going to miss their quality time with Uncle Liam. (And also going to miss the smokes I'm pretty sure they're bumming off him. Damn feline reprobates...)
Laterz
Job Security
More random thoughts-
I got a comment from someone I don't know on a recent posting. She said it was good reading. (Thank you very much.) She also said she appreciated the intelligent commentary. (Hah hah! I believe it was Mark Twain who said "If you can't blind 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit." Yet another victim completely snowed by Yours Truly and his Verbal Diarrhea.) But it occurs to me that I'm not sure what I think about strangers reading my blog. I mean, obviously that was my point when I started the silly thing, but I didn't actually think that anyone would READ it. Even my wife doesn't listen to me, and she has a certain affinity for me. (As SJP would say, "WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING???")
So I ask all y'all out there in the blogosphere, do you write differently when you know that people are reading, out do you keep spouting the same useless drivel and politically-charged vitriol that you started with? Should I be worried about people sending me letter bombs if I insult their ideas? (I'm really afraid of conservative Christians, as a general rule... I'll take a room full of Muslims any day.)
Anyway, to Kim from Mississippi- Thanks for reading! Check in often! And if you have any ideas of things I should talk about, feel free to tell me. I can spout off on just about anything, but can't come up with a decent idea about what to write to save my life. (This is why I never kept a journal as a kid, even though my english teachers kept repeating that who "Writers write!" stuff.)
I got a comment from someone I don't know on a recent posting. She said it was good reading. (Thank you very much.) She also said she appreciated the intelligent commentary. (Hah hah! I believe it was Mark Twain who said "If you can't blind 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit." Yet another victim completely snowed by Yours Truly and his Verbal Diarrhea.) But it occurs to me that I'm not sure what I think about strangers reading my blog. I mean, obviously that was my point when I started the silly thing, but I didn't actually think that anyone would READ it. Even my wife doesn't listen to me, and she has a certain affinity for me. (As SJP would say, "WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING???")
So I ask all y'all out there in the blogosphere, do you write differently when you know that people are reading, out do you keep spouting the same useless drivel and politically-charged vitriol that you started with? Should I be worried about people sending me letter bombs if I insult their ideas? (I'm really afraid of conservative Christians, as a general rule... I'll take a room full of Muslims any day.)
Anyway, to Kim from Mississippi- Thanks for reading! Check in often! And if you have any ideas of things I should talk about, feel free to tell me. I can spout off on just about anything, but can't come up with a decent idea about what to write to save my life. (This is why I never kept a journal as a kid, even though my english teachers kept repeating that who "Writers write!" stuff.)
Back on my soapbox.
And now a few words on John Roberts.
President Hitler, oops... I mean Bush has recently nominated John Roberts to replace Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court. I've been reading everything I can find on him and I'm starting to form an opinion. I have to warn my loyal friends and readers that you may want to sit on your hands for a moment.
I'm think he might be okay.
HOLD ON!!! I know he's a conservative! I don't agree with his politics either! But...
From what I've read, he looks like the kind of judge who actually makes his legal decisions on LEGAL grounds, rather than using his own personal beliefs. He's be nominated by a conservative Christian president, so we're not gonna get another Ginsberg. This guy seems, better than a number of the names I saw batted around.
So today's assignment, class, is to get me more info. I still don't know enough about this guy to really get up in arms one way or the other. If you've seen something I should read, let me know. Aright, let me know.
Laterz
President Hitler, oops... I mean Bush has recently nominated John Roberts to replace Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court. I've been reading everything I can find on him and I'm starting to form an opinion. I have to warn my loyal friends and readers that you may want to sit on your hands for a moment.
I'm think he might be okay.
HOLD ON!!! I know he's a conservative! I don't agree with his politics either! But...
From what I've read, he looks like the kind of judge who actually makes his legal decisions on LEGAL grounds, rather than using his own personal beliefs. He's be nominated by a conservative Christian president, so we're not gonna get another Ginsberg. This guy seems, better than a number of the names I saw batted around.
So today's assignment, class, is to get me more info. I still don't know enough about this guy to really get up in arms one way or the other. If you've seen something I should read, let me know. Aright, let me know.
Laterz
Yooper-Speak and Southern Drawls
I am a computer applications trainer. Most of my job is actually training over the telephone. Yeah, it's a strange job, but I've certainly done worse. Anyway, I've been noticing something lately.
I have a habit that seriously annoys my wife which is that, whenever I hear an accent that is different from mine, I immitate it. It's an unconscious action. Thankfully, I generally do it very well, so the people to whom I'm speaking don't realize I'm immitating them. I've found that this really comes in handy in life.
Years ago, when traveling in Kentucky with my parents, I went into a gas station to buy something to drink. I spent a few minutes chatting with the cashier, who was a middle-aged man with fewer than his allotted quota of teeth. After a few minutes, my dad walked up to me at the counter. He handed me a pop and asked if I would pay for it while he used the restroom.
When he walked away, the clerk leaned over closer to me and asked, "Why're y'all travelin' with that YANKEE?" He was decidedly unfriendly to my dad when he came out.
By the way, my habit of telling long, drawn out stories to illustrate a point also really grinds on my wife, BUT I tell it because it shows how someone's accent afeects his relationship with the people around him. My friend Drew, who's from Louisiana, points out that while people from the South say "y'all", we Northerners generally say "you guys". He says this makes us all sound like the unpopular kid on the playground. ("Wait up YOU GUYS!") I was conducting a training this morning with a gentleman in Green Bay, Wisconsin, and he stated how comfortable he was with me because I have a Minnesota/Yooper/Canadian accent. And so I reach my thesis, which is...
They should teach dialects in school.
Think about it, if everybody could just blend into their surroundings by sounding like the natives, you wouldn't have to worry about regional prejudices. Anyway, it's just a thought. And if anybody sees Coach Lucky, tell him I said "Howdy!"
Laterz
I have a habit that seriously annoys my wife which is that, whenever I hear an accent that is different from mine, I immitate it. It's an unconscious action. Thankfully, I generally do it very well, so the people to whom I'm speaking don't realize I'm immitating them. I've found that this really comes in handy in life.
Years ago, when traveling in Kentucky with my parents, I went into a gas station to buy something to drink. I spent a few minutes chatting with the cashier, who was a middle-aged man with fewer than his allotted quota of teeth. After a few minutes, my dad walked up to me at the counter. He handed me a pop and asked if I would pay for it while he used the restroom.
When he walked away, the clerk leaned over closer to me and asked, "Why're y'all travelin' with that YANKEE?" He was decidedly unfriendly to my dad when he came out.
By the way, my habit of telling long, drawn out stories to illustrate a point also really grinds on my wife, BUT I tell it because it shows how someone's accent afeects his relationship with the people around him. My friend Drew, who's from Louisiana, points out that while people from the South say "y'all", we Northerners generally say "you guys". He says this makes us all sound like the unpopular kid on the playground. ("Wait up YOU GUYS!") I was conducting a training this morning with a gentleman in Green Bay, Wisconsin, and he stated how comfortable he was with me because I have a Minnesota/Yooper/Canadian accent. And so I reach my thesis, which is...
They should teach dialects in school.
Think about it, if everybody could just blend into their surroundings by sounding like the natives, you wouldn't have to worry about regional prejudices. Anyway, it's just a thought. And if anybody sees Coach Lucky, tell him I said "Howdy!"
Laterz
Thursday, July 21, 2005
ABC list
Hey gang. Remember my comment about my willingness to steal other folks ideas? Well, here's yet another example. I'm copying this ABC list from S.A., who got it from Drew, who stole it from Jezzy. See? Originality is highly overrated.
A is for Age: 27
B is for Booze: Not a big drinker. Probably Woodchuck's Draft Cider.
C is for Career: I do not have a career yet. I have a job. It's a decent job, even a good one, but if I'm still doing it in 10 years, I hope someone will have the decency to shoot me.
D is for Dad's name: Tomas (Okay, not really, but it's close.)
E is for Essential Item to bring to a Party: Poker Chips
F is for Favorite Songs at the Moment: Well, I listened to "Find Your Grail" twice on the way to work today.
G is for Goof-off thing to do: Well, it's 2:13 p.m. and writing on my blog probably isn't in my job description...
H is for Hometown: Burt Lake, MI
I is for Instrument you play: Piano, harmonica, and I'm gonna learn to play bass guitar.
J is for Jam or Jelly you like: Orange Marmalade
K is for Kids: Did you not read my earlier comments about fertility shots???
L is for Living arrangement: 3 bedroom house with my wife, our 12 fish, and our squatter/roommate, who's gonna have to move out soon and is costing me sleep because I feel so guilty about that fact.
M is for Mom's name: Cathy
N is for Name of best friend: My wife says I talk about her too much on my blog, so instead I'll say Kevin. Though I could justifiably say Drew. Or Jen. Or Nate. At times like this, I feel honestly lucky.
O is for overnight hospital stays: Numerous.
P is for Phobias: Seriously claustrophobic. But only with people. I'm okay with small spaces. And I don't like heights unless I'm in control. In other words, climbing 100-ft tree - Good. Standing on 20-foot ladder - BAD.
Q is for Quote you like: "The National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, uh, people do." But I think, I think the gun helps. You know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that."- Eddie Izzard
R is for Relationship that lasted longest: I met my wife on July 4th, 1998. We've been together ever since.
S is for Siblings: 1 younger sister. She's working hard at becoming a normal person. I've decided not to give up hope. She's single, so if you're a very intelligent guy with a good sense of humor, but some significant flaw that's not too terrible, but is something you have to overcome, we're taking applications.
T is for Texas, ever been?: Drove through the panhandle as a kid.
U is for Unique trait: I'm gonna have to update this later. Nothing is springing immediately to mind. Please feel free to submit suggestions.
V is for Vegetables you love: I love Brussels Sprouts. And Drew does not know what he's talking about.
W is for Worst traits: Unreasonable optimism. (Seriously. You have no idea how often this bites me in the ass.)
X is for X rays you've had: You name it, they've x-rayed it.
Y is for Yummy food you make: Zuchini casserole
Z is for Zodiac sign: Aries
Laterz.
A is for Age: 27
B is for Booze: Not a big drinker. Probably Woodchuck's Draft Cider.
C is for Career: I do not have a career yet. I have a job. It's a decent job, even a good one, but if I'm still doing it in 10 years, I hope someone will have the decency to shoot me.
D is for Dad's name: Tomas (Okay, not really, but it's close.)
E is for Essential Item to bring to a Party: Poker Chips
F is for Favorite Songs at the Moment: Well, I listened to "Find Your Grail" twice on the way to work today.
G is for Goof-off thing to do: Well, it's 2:13 p.m. and writing on my blog probably isn't in my job description...
H is for Hometown: Burt Lake, MI
I is for Instrument you play: Piano, harmonica, and I'm gonna learn to play bass guitar.
J is for Jam or Jelly you like: Orange Marmalade
K is for Kids: Did you not read my earlier comments about fertility shots???
L is for Living arrangement: 3 bedroom house with my wife, our 12 fish, and our squatter/roommate, who's gonna have to move out soon and is costing me sleep because I feel so guilty about that fact.
M is for Mom's name: Cathy
N is for Name of best friend: My wife says I talk about her too much on my blog, so instead I'll say Kevin. Though I could justifiably say Drew. Or Jen. Or Nate. At times like this, I feel honestly lucky.
O is for overnight hospital stays: Numerous.
P is for Phobias: Seriously claustrophobic. But only with people. I'm okay with small spaces. And I don't like heights unless I'm in control. In other words, climbing 100-ft tree - Good. Standing on 20-foot ladder - BAD.
Q is for Quote you like: "The National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, uh, people do." But I think, I think the gun helps. You know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that."- Eddie Izzard
R is for Relationship that lasted longest: I met my wife on July 4th, 1998. We've been together ever since.
S is for Siblings: 1 younger sister. She's working hard at becoming a normal person. I've decided not to give up hope. She's single, so if you're a very intelligent guy with a good sense of humor, but some significant flaw that's not too terrible, but is something you have to overcome, we're taking applications.
T is for Texas, ever been?: Drove through the panhandle as a kid.
U is for Unique trait: I'm gonna have to update this later. Nothing is springing immediately to mind. Please feel free to submit suggestions.
V is for Vegetables you love: I love Brussels Sprouts. And Drew does not know what he's talking about.
W is for Worst traits: Unreasonable optimism. (Seriously. You have no idea how often this bites me in the ass.)
X is for X rays you've had: You name it, they've x-rayed it.
Y is for Yummy food you make: Zuchini casserole
Z is for Zodiac sign: Aries
Laterz.
Greedy Bastards and Irony
Good afternoon, boys & girls!
Random thoughts-
Does anyone else find it ironic that I am a professional technology trainer, who teaches computer applications classes all day, every day, and my desktop machine has a 300 mhz, PII processor?
I bought the Spamalot soundtrack last weekend and so far I've managed to listen to 1 and 1/2 songs on it. It's like the world is conspiring against me. First, I can't listen to it in the car because Uncle Stan would NOT enjoy it. Then I forget to bring it to work with me. Then I bring it to work, only to realize that my stone-age computer DOES NOT HAVE A CD-ROM DRIVE. Then I forget to bring it home from work. Good grief. Well, "Find Your Grail" is good, anyway...
Which leads me to...
For those of you who are not yet my close personal friends, (Give it time, I can only have so many friends at a given time. I'm sure I'll get to you sooner or later, when my current crop of friends realizes what an ass I am.) I love Monty Python. Specifically, I love Eric Idle. He realeased a new book this spring called "The Greedy Bastard Diary", which is (mostly) about his most recent North American tour. He also talks a great deal about his personal life including his friend, the late genius George Harrison.
Seriously, it's a GREAT book. I'm not sure why it's so great, but it definitely is. Everyone should read it just because it'll make you feel good. Just wanted to mention that.
My wife has a blog now, too. http://usebigwords.blogspot.com. I realize I'm really biased, but I'm telling you she's a great writer. I love to read her blog, and I live in it, so it's not like there's a ton of new info there for me. Check it out. And feel free to leave inappropriate comments from anonymous email addresses, too, because I love to freak her out.
As I type this, I'm drinking something called "SoBe No Fear" sugar-free energy drink. It tastes like cat piss. (Or at least how I imagine cat piss would taste. I've not tasted cat piss, but I've certainly smelled enough of it, thanks to the little bastards who live in my shop and have an unreasonable aversion to their litter box.) Seriously, why does someone not develop a decent tasting sugar-free energy drink. Hansen's Diet Red isn't bad, and Sugar-Free Red Bull isn't awful, but seriously, can't someone just take and existing soft drink (Diet Coke, perhaps?) and jack up the caffiene content?
Alright, I might check in later.
Laterz.
Random thoughts-
Does anyone else find it ironic that I am a professional technology trainer, who teaches computer applications classes all day, every day, and my desktop machine has a 300 mhz, PII processor?
I bought the Spamalot soundtrack last weekend and so far I've managed to listen to 1 and 1/2 songs on it. It's like the world is conspiring against me. First, I can't listen to it in the car because Uncle Stan would NOT enjoy it. Then I forget to bring it to work with me. Then I bring it to work, only to realize that my stone-age computer DOES NOT HAVE A CD-ROM DRIVE. Then I forget to bring it home from work. Good grief. Well, "Find Your Grail" is good, anyway...
Which leads me to...
For those of you who are not yet my close personal friends, (Give it time, I can only have so many friends at a given time. I'm sure I'll get to you sooner or later, when my current crop of friends realizes what an ass I am.) I love Monty Python. Specifically, I love Eric Idle. He realeased a new book this spring called "The Greedy Bastard Diary", which is (mostly) about his most recent North American tour. He also talks a great deal about his personal life including his friend, the late genius George Harrison.
Seriously, it's a GREAT book. I'm not sure why it's so great, but it definitely is. Everyone should read it just because it'll make you feel good. Just wanted to mention that.
My wife has a blog now, too. http://usebigwords.blogspot.com. I realize I'm really biased, but I'm telling you she's a great writer. I love to read her blog, and I live in it, so it's not like there's a ton of new info there for me. Check it out. And feel free to leave inappropriate comments from anonymous email addresses, too, because I love to freak her out.
As I type this, I'm drinking something called "SoBe No Fear" sugar-free energy drink. It tastes like cat piss. (Or at least how I imagine cat piss would taste. I've not tasted cat piss, but I've certainly smelled enough of it, thanks to the little bastards who live in my shop and have an unreasonable aversion to their litter box.) Seriously, why does someone not develop a decent tasting sugar-free energy drink. Hansen's Diet Red isn't bad, and Sugar-Free Red Bull isn't awful, but seriously, can't someone just take and existing soft drink (Diet Coke, perhaps?) and jack up the caffiene content?
Alright, I might check in later.
Laterz.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
If you can't be a trend setter...
Alright. I'm gonna do the ubiquitous "Blogger 101" list. Explainations of why are forthcoming.
1. I have gained a reputation for being an original thinker.
2. It's bullshit.
3. I am not an original thinker; I'm a person that recognizes good ideas and utilizes them to my best benefit.
4. I do not have a problem being wrong and will willingly admit when that's the case.
5. But you're gonna have to prove it to me first.
6. I'm EXTREMELY opinionated.
7. I do not mind when people disagree with me.
8. I mind GREATLY when they can't form a coherent argument as to WHY.
9. I am a "Grammar Nazi", for example...
10. I am the only person in my immediate family to have attended FEWER than 3 colleges.
11. I know when to use "fewer" and when to use "less".
12. I have a degree.
13. It actually makes it harder to get a job where I live.
14. I am the 2nd-most politically minded person I know.
15. My wife actually cares even more than I do.
16. I have a very high I.Q.
17. And a sometimes alarming lack of common sense.
18. I have a truly amazing wife.
19. I thank God, Allah, Buddha, Krishna, or whatever other higher force or being there is out there EVERY DAY that I met her.
20. I often think that all the difficulties I face in my life are the aforementioned higher force's way of evening out the score.
21. I love sports.
22. My degree is in Sport Management.
23. I own a small golf shop.
24. I am an experienced softball coach.
25. I've taught college classes in softball and baseball coaching.
26. I have all the native athletic ability of a moderately clumsy statue.
27. I still think life IS fair (for the most part anyway...)
28. I've watched almost every minute of every Detroit Lions game since 1981.
29. I know they tend to suck.
30. I love them anyway.
31. I love the Tigers even more.
32. Even though they're even worse.
33. I am moderately tall (6'1 1/2") and a bit on the skinny side (165).
34. I would HATE to be short.
35. I have an okay job.
36. With a great boss.
37. They're gonna need a crowbar to get me to leave.
38. I am a very messy person.
39. I'm also a bit lazy.
40. That's a horrible combination.
41. Thankfully, my wife's is up to the task of telling me when to clean up.
42. I have ADD.
43. I believe that most people forget that ADD is not an insult; it's a medical diagnosis, so there's no point being upset about it.
44. I am an avowed liberal.
45. I believe that our president is an imbecile and a hate-monger.
46. I firmly believe that everyone should be true to himself, regardless of what others may think about him or his lifestyle.
47. I assume that people who condemn other people because "the Bible says so," must also assume they're going to Hell because the Bible also says "Judge not, lest ye be judged."
48. I am very comfortable in my own skin.
49. I am descended from greatness, but if you ever met my grandfather, you already knew that.
50. I have an awesome family.
51. My Mom works with persons with disabilities.
52. My Dad teaches Jr. High. (Does adolescence count as a disability?)
53. My sister can be as irritating as the tag in your undershirt.
54. She is also one of the world's truly good people.
55. I have great in-laws.
56. They're WAY better to me than I deserve.
57. I'm a geek.
58. But not enough of one to be confident that someday I'll be running the world.
59. I love animals.
60. Except dogs.
61. The only 2 likeable dogs in the world have now passed on. (R.I.P. Cletus & Sage)
62. I also love kids.
63. I badly want to have my own.
64. But until I do, my wife and I will borrow them from parents who don't seem to get how lucky they are.
65. I gave my wife a shot last night.
66. I did not pass out, vomit, or do anything else to embarass myself.
67. I hope these shots help her get pregnant, because I really don't want to give any more than I absolutely have to.
68.I play piano.
69. But I can barely read music.
70. I also play harmonica.
71. We have a roommate.
72. He's a very good guy.
73. He's also slightly balding, which makes for an interesting tub situation.
74. I love to read.
75. But I'm picky.
76. I used to try to expand my horizons, but then I realized that nobody cared what I read, so I quit.
77. I'm in a golf league.
78. My partner has one of the world's ugliest swings.
79. He still plays better than me much of the time.
80. I badly want a Jeep.
81. For now, I'm getting my fix by trying to help my father-in-law to get his Jeep running.
82. I have a feeling that this isn't going to work in the long term.
83. I love to listen to the Al Franken show on Air America.
84. But I generally miss it because I have a job.
85. I listen to NPR news all the time.
86. It generally depresses me.
87. But it's still better than watching the local news, which makes me want to kill myself, because it's so bloody insipid.
88. I say "bloody" A LOT.
89. I wish I was British.
90. Even after the bombings.
91. I met my wife on the internet.
92. She impressed me with her turn of phrase.
93. We've been married for almost 5 years.
94. She still impresses me.
95. I have a sharp, sarcastic sense of humor.
96. But I still like puns.
97. I regard "Weird Al" Yankovic as a genius.
98. Randy Newman and Warren Zevon, too.
99. I have really great friends whom I wouldn't trade for anything.
100. I try to make sure they know who they are.
101. Hopefully they'll all read this and chuckle.
Laterz
1. I have gained a reputation for being an original thinker.
2. It's bullshit.
3. I am not an original thinker; I'm a person that recognizes good ideas and utilizes them to my best benefit.
4. I do not have a problem being wrong and will willingly admit when that's the case.
5. But you're gonna have to prove it to me first.
6. I'm EXTREMELY opinionated.
7. I do not mind when people disagree with me.
8. I mind GREATLY when they can't form a coherent argument as to WHY.
9. I am a "Grammar Nazi", for example...
10. I am the only person in my immediate family to have attended FEWER than 3 colleges.
11. I know when to use "fewer" and when to use "less".
12. I have a degree.
13. It actually makes it harder to get a job where I live.
14. I am the 2nd-most politically minded person I know.
15. My wife actually cares even more than I do.
16. I have a very high I.Q.
17. And a sometimes alarming lack of common sense.
18. I have a truly amazing wife.
19. I thank God, Allah, Buddha, Krishna, or whatever other higher force or being there is out there EVERY DAY that I met her.
20. I often think that all the difficulties I face in my life are the aforementioned higher force's way of evening out the score.
21. I love sports.
22. My degree is in Sport Management.
23. I own a small golf shop.
24. I am an experienced softball coach.
25. I've taught college classes in softball and baseball coaching.
26. I have all the native athletic ability of a moderately clumsy statue.
27. I still think life IS fair (for the most part anyway...)
28. I've watched almost every minute of every Detroit Lions game since 1981.
29. I know they tend to suck.
30. I love them anyway.
31. I love the Tigers even more.
32. Even though they're even worse.
33. I am moderately tall (6'1 1/2") and a bit on the skinny side (165).
34. I would HATE to be short.
35. I have an okay job.
36. With a great boss.
37. They're gonna need a crowbar to get me to leave.
38. I am a very messy person.
39. I'm also a bit lazy.
40. That's a horrible combination.
41. Thankfully, my wife's is up to the task of telling me when to clean up.
42. I have ADD.
43. I believe that most people forget that ADD is not an insult; it's a medical diagnosis, so there's no point being upset about it.
44. I am an avowed liberal.
45. I believe that our president is an imbecile and a hate-monger.
46. I firmly believe that everyone should be true to himself, regardless of what others may think about him or his lifestyle.
47. I assume that people who condemn other people because "the Bible says so," must also assume they're going to Hell because the Bible also says "Judge not, lest ye be judged."
48. I am very comfortable in my own skin.
49. I am descended from greatness, but if you ever met my grandfather, you already knew that.
50. I have an awesome family.
51. My Mom works with persons with disabilities.
52. My Dad teaches Jr. High. (Does adolescence count as a disability?)
53. My sister can be as irritating as the tag in your undershirt.
54. She is also one of the world's truly good people.
55. I have great in-laws.
56. They're WAY better to me than I deserve.
57. I'm a geek.
58. But not enough of one to be confident that someday I'll be running the world.
59. I love animals.
60. Except dogs.
61. The only 2 likeable dogs in the world have now passed on. (R.I.P. Cletus & Sage)
62. I also love kids.
63. I badly want to have my own.
64. But until I do, my wife and I will borrow them from parents who don't seem to get how lucky they are.
65. I gave my wife a shot last night.
66. I did not pass out, vomit, or do anything else to embarass myself.
67. I hope these shots help her get pregnant, because I really don't want to give any more than I absolutely have to.
68.I play piano.
69. But I can barely read music.
70. I also play harmonica.
71. We have a roommate.
72. He's a very good guy.
73. He's also slightly balding, which makes for an interesting tub situation.
74. I love to read.
75. But I'm picky.
76. I used to try to expand my horizons, but then I realized that nobody cared what I read, so I quit.
77. I'm in a golf league.
78. My partner has one of the world's ugliest swings.
79. He still plays better than me much of the time.
80. I badly want a Jeep.
81. For now, I'm getting my fix by trying to help my father-in-law to get his Jeep running.
82. I have a feeling that this isn't going to work in the long term.
83. I love to listen to the Al Franken show on Air America.
84. But I generally miss it because I have a job.
85. I listen to NPR news all the time.
86. It generally depresses me.
87. But it's still better than watching the local news, which makes me want to kill myself, because it's so bloody insipid.
88. I say "bloody" A LOT.
89. I wish I was British.
90. Even after the bombings.
91. I met my wife on the internet.
92. She impressed me with her turn of phrase.
93. We've been married for almost 5 years.
94. She still impresses me.
95. I have a sharp, sarcastic sense of humor.
96. But I still like puns.
97. I regard "Weird Al" Yankovic as a genius.
98. Randy Newman and Warren Zevon, too.
99. I have really great friends whom I wouldn't trade for anything.
100. I try to make sure they know who they are.
101. Hopefully they'll all read this and chuckle.
Laterz
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Jeeps, Diet Coke, and Other Harmful Addictions
First, a note on Diet Coke. I am a moderately intelligent, well-read, and generally aware person. I know that Diet Coke is full of chemicals which are, in all liklihood, not really meant to be ingested. I also know that caffeine is not particularly good for me. However, it's also sugar-free. The caffeine feeds my honest-to-gosh physical addiction. And it tastes good. If you think it's somehow incongruous that I am happy to profess the healthy goodness of Tofu smoothies yet I'm willing to power-slam gallons of a substance that has been shown to lead to cancer in labratory mice, you're right. I've just decided I don't care. I'm going to drink it anyway. That being said, please feel free to continue tellin gme how bad it is. Who knows, someday I might listen, and I'll certainly never be offended by other people looking out for my health. Thank you for your concern and continued support.
Okay, moving on.
I'm looking to buy an old Jeep. I love being in the woods, tooling around on 2-tracks, running through the occasionaly mud puddle, and just being out in nature. If you ever check out "Jeeping" web sites, the make it out to be this testosterone-laden, chest thumping, "MY Jeep is bigger than YOUR Jeep" kind of thing. That's not me. My father-in-law has a little postal jeep from the late 60's. I love it. The more time I spend bopping around with no specific end in mind, the more I enjoy it. I don't need to take a keg along or see how big a mud pud I can drive through or how large a log I can get over. I just want to be able to take my Jeep out and do my thing.
And therein lies the sticking point. I don't have a Jeep. I can borrow my Father-in-law's or my brother-in-law's, but they're not mine. Everytime I drive one of theirs, I worry that something will happen to it and it'll be my fault. (If you had my driving record, you'd worry too.) So I need a Jeep. Except no one seems to leave their old Jeeps sitting in the free pile at the end of their yard sale, and my wife is NOT cool with buying one right now. Something about not actually having any money and it being silly to spend money on something I might use 10 time s a year, tops. And the bitch of it is that I KNOW SHE'S RIGHT. It's completely illogical. I don't go North often enough to really get my use out of it. I know that I can always borrow one from a family member. I know NOTHING about auto mechanics, which is a major drawback when dealing with a vehicle that's over 25 years old and driven exclusively in the woods. I don't need a Jeep. Except I NEED A JEEP. I'm firmly fixated at this point and no logical argument will be able to free me of this urge. So right now I'm establishing my own charity. It's called the "Give Owen a Jeep Foundation" and it's sole purpose is to find an older Jeep that needs a loving home. So if you know of just such a Jeep, please let the owner know that there's a young man in Michigan who would love to take care of it. I'll wash it and feed it and make it feel pretty, I promise. Seriously, this is bordering on mania... But I've got to do something before this all ends up in divorce.
Alright, that's all for now. Laterz.
Okay, moving on.
I'm looking to buy an old Jeep. I love being in the woods, tooling around on 2-tracks, running through the occasionaly mud puddle, and just being out in nature. If you ever check out "Jeeping" web sites, the make it out to be this testosterone-laden, chest thumping, "MY Jeep is bigger than YOUR Jeep" kind of thing. That's not me. My father-in-law has a little postal jeep from the late 60's. I love it. The more time I spend bopping around with no specific end in mind, the more I enjoy it. I don't need to take a keg along or see how big a mud pud I can drive through or how large a log I can get over. I just want to be able to take my Jeep out and do my thing.
And therein lies the sticking point. I don't have a Jeep. I can borrow my Father-in-law's or my brother-in-law's, but they're not mine. Everytime I drive one of theirs, I worry that something will happen to it and it'll be my fault. (If you had my driving record, you'd worry too.) So I need a Jeep. Except no one seems to leave their old Jeeps sitting in the free pile at the end of their yard sale, and my wife is NOT cool with buying one right now. Something about not actually having any money and it being silly to spend money on something I might use 10 time s a year, tops. And the bitch of it is that I KNOW SHE'S RIGHT. It's completely illogical. I don't go North often enough to really get my use out of it. I know that I can always borrow one from a family member. I know NOTHING about auto mechanics, which is a major drawback when dealing with a vehicle that's over 25 years old and driven exclusively in the woods. I don't need a Jeep. Except I NEED A JEEP. I'm firmly fixated at this point and no logical argument will be able to free me of this urge. So right now I'm establishing my own charity. It's called the "Give Owen a Jeep Foundation" and it's sole purpose is to find an older Jeep that needs a loving home. So if you know of just such a Jeep, please let the owner know that there's a young man in Michigan who would love to take care of it. I'll wash it and feed it and make it feel pretty, I promise. Seriously, this is bordering on mania... But I've got to do something before this all ends up in divorce.
Alright, that's all for now. Laterz.
Friday, July 08, 2005
Pacifism, Bombs, & Monkees
Thoughts of the Morning-
I'd really like to be a pacifist. I'm pretty damn close. However, if somebody has some fool proof method for "letting go" when I wish harm to individuals in places of power, let me know. I couldn't even say anything about the train bombings in London yesterday because I was still too upset to talk about it at the beginning of the afternoon. I spent 20 minutes sitting at my desk just staring at my computer monitor because I was having difficulty putting it out of my mind when I came in to work in the morning.
Here's what I think. Muslims don't hate Americans for their freedoms. Muslims, as a whole, don't hate Americans at all. That's mororic. 1.6 million Muslims ARE Americans. However, Terrorist groups (and this is certainly a very different population than the general Muslim population) do target the US and their allies. I absolutely, completely, and totally blame our current presidential administration for that. How is it that the average 5th grader can see the difference between defending ourselves (Going to Afghanistan) and just acting like international bullies (Iraq, Iran, Korea). Hey, I'm not excited about countries that we've put great effort into pissing off having nuclear (Notice how that's spelled. NUKE-LEE-UR. If you pronounce it Nuke-U-lur, you're not using a regional dialect or some sort of colloquialism. You're just illiterate.) capabilities, but I don't know how we can justify saying "Hey, we're responsible enough to have them, but you're not. Neener neener." That sort of hubris is the reason Americans are not particularly popular right now in the rest of the world. So here's my suggestion to all the terrorists out there who are ticked at us- If you must take action against the people who have wronged you, make sure you're not hurting the people who agree with you that the American government has radically overstepped its bounds. And for everyone else, say a little prayer (for all you religious types) or just think good thoughts for all the people who have been dragged into harm's way through no fault of their own. And hope you don't become one of them.
One last thought, and it's a complete non-sequiter. I listened to the Monkees on the way into work this morning, and if "Daydream Believer" doen't improve your mindset at any given time, you should probably talk to a doctor. The things you listen to affect your outlook on life, so though it's great to be informed, I don't suggest listening to NPR last thing before you get out of your car and walk into work. There's no point in being in a bad mood before you start your work day. Even though life sucks and the world has gone completely and sometimes homicidaly insane, IT'S PROBABLY NOT THE SECRETARY'S FAULT. My old high school english teacher once told me that even when you're ina bad mood, you should always smile at anyone you pass. They'll smile back. And your day will be just a little bit brighter. Alright, end of sermon. Laterz.
I'd really like to be a pacifist. I'm pretty damn close. However, if somebody has some fool proof method for "letting go" when I wish harm to individuals in places of power, let me know. I couldn't even say anything about the train bombings in London yesterday because I was still too upset to talk about it at the beginning of the afternoon. I spent 20 minutes sitting at my desk just staring at my computer monitor because I was having difficulty putting it out of my mind when I came in to work in the morning.
Here's what I think. Muslims don't hate Americans for their freedoms. Muslims, as a whole, don't hate Americans at all. That's mororic. 1.6 million Muslims ARE Americans. However, Terrorist groups (and this is certainly a very different population than the general Muslim population) do target the US and their allies. I absolutely, completely, and totally blame our current presidential administration for that. How is it that the average 5th grader can see the difference between defending ourselves (Going to Afghanistan) and just acting like international bullies (Iraq, Iran, Korea). Hey, I'm not excited about countries that we've put great effort into pissing off having nuclear (Notice how that's spelled. NUKE-LEE-UR. If you pronounce it Nuke-U-lur, you're not using a regional dialect or some sort of colloquialism. You're just illiterate.) capabilities, but I don't know how we can justify saying "Hey, we're responsible enough to have them, but you're not. Neener neener." That sort of hubris is the reason Americans are not particularly popular right now in the rest of the world. So here's my suggestion to all the terrorists out there who are ticked at us- If you must take action against the people who have wronged you, make sure you're not hurting the people who agree with you that the American government has radically overstepped its bounds. And for everyone else, say a little prayer (for all you religious types) or just think good thoughts for all the people who have been dragged into harm's way through no fault of their own. And hope you don't become one of them.
One last thought, and it's a complete non-sequiter. I listened to the Monkees on the way into work this morning, and if "Daydream Believer" doen't improve your mindset at any given time, you should probably talk to a doctor. The things you listen to affect your outlook on life, so though it's great to be informed, I don't suggest listening to NPR last thing before you get out of your car and walk into work. There's no point in being in a bad mood before you start your work day. Even though life sucks and the world has gone completely and sometimes homicidaly insane, IT'S PROBABLY NOT THE SECRETARY'S FAULT. My old high school english teacher once told me that even when you're ina bad mood, you should always smile at anyone you pass. They'll smile back. And your day will be just a little bit brighter. Alright, end of sermon. Laterz.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Off and Limping...
I've thought about it for a little while and I've come to the decision that I don't know enough people personally to get my message out effectively via word-of-mouth. Hence, this blog.
Now all I need to decide is what my message is. Here's what I know. I'm a small business owner (Really small.) and I'm moderately well educated. I'm also very opinionated. So I figure that pretty well qualifies me to talk about whatever I bloody well please. If you disagree with anything I say, please feel free to comment on it. I will respect anyone who can present a cogent argument to any opinion I might express. However, if you don't anything logical and intelligent to say, DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
I'll probably check in later this afternoon with something worth writing, but until then, Laterz. (To quote my good friend, Mr. Steve.)
Now all I need to decide is what my message is. Here's what I know. I'm a small business owner (Really small.) and I'm moderately well educated. I'm also very opinionated. So I figure that pretty well qualifies me to talk about whatever I bloody well please. If you disagree with anything I say, please feel free to comment on it. I will respect anyone who can present a cogent argument to any opinion I might express. However, if you don't anything logical and intelligent to say, DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
I'll probably check in later this afternoon with something worth writing, but until then, Laterz. (To quote my good friend, Mr. Steve.)
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