The Problem With Editors

Dear "Anonymous"-

Thank you for taking the time to read and post a comment on my blog. I certainly appreciate all my readers and the opinions they express.

In response to your comment from last night at 9:30pm, I offer the following notes.

I said that the situation was "on the periphery" of my life. Nowhere did I say that I wasn't "involved." To quote the editors, "We're ALL involved!"

Additionally, you're probably right. I probably should listen to my editors more. For example, my editor wouldn't allow me to make any retorts about the importance of grammar and spelling in anything that's posted for others to read. So I won't.

Also, they've made it very clear to me that, in journalism, one should never pay attention to an anonymous source, as anyone who's unwilling to go on record and be held accountable for what they say is obviously not a credible source.

As I say. I've got smart editors.

p.s. If you're reading this and it is about you, WELCOME! As I already said, it looks like life may be about to get exciting.

Efficiency

In the interest of getting the word out as expeditiously as possible-

Junior will be baptized on August 6th. Be there or be square.

(In all seriousness, Barry Gang, ya gotta be here. The kid's got a whole pile of Aunts and Uncles that he needs to meet! Also, Michigan is beautiful in August. Remember the wedding?)

Frustration

(My editors are concerned that someone might read this next blog entry and think that I might be fuming at them. In all seriousness, the people this is about don't know I HAVE a blog. Otherwise, how could I spout off about them?)

There's some crap going on, sort of on the periphery of my life, that REALLY torques me off. Unfortunately, it's not technically any of my business so I can't say anything to anybody about it. But I'm telling the whole world right now, a few people I know deserve a giant "Shut the f*** up."

I'm a pacifist by nature, but there are definitely times when there's no better way to communicate than with an uppercut to the jaw. Since that's not socially acceptable, allow me to say to all those who are negatively affected by the a**holes in their lives- Don't let the f***ers get you down.

Also, my father-in-law owns an 8-foot cannon, should you need to borrow it.

Note of the day

S.A. gave be a bit of grief this morning because I didn't have any breakfast. I didn't feel this was exactly a crisis, as I gained 40 pounds while she was pregnant with Junior (I've lost 15 since he was born), but I figured I could probably use some sort of energy source for my day so I stopped at Big Apple Bagel for a coffee on my way to work.

It turns out that the Cinnamon Toast Latte is really good. Also, if you flirt a little with the gal at the counter, she'll give you a large CTL for the price of a regular coffee.

I may not have eaten yet today, but at least I fed my ego.

Welcome to the world, Sonny Boy!

I promise that I'll now be much better about blogging, if only because I now have more to write about.

I could write a long blog here about the unbelievable week I've had (and I probably will later) but, for now, I'm just gonna post a picture. I think it pretty much says everything.

Conversations You're Glad Took Place on Instant Messenger rather than on, say, Speaker Phone

This is a partial transcript of a conversation I had this morning on Instant Messenger.


[07:39] JoesGolfWorks: Good morning, my friend!
[07:42] zaphodbb1: good morning :)
[07:43] zaphodbb1: You're in a good mood.
[07:43] JoesGolfWorks: I'm faking it. :)
[07:43] JoesGolfWorks: I've decided to be perky this morning.
[07:43] zaphodbb1: Wheeee
[07:43] JoesGolfWorks: Because the alternative is biting people.
[07:43] zaphodbb1: Can't you do both?
[07:44] JoesGolfWorks: Yes. But now the biting will be a real surprise to my victims.
[07:44] zaphodbb1: Don't they always say that it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile and bite?
[07:44] JoesGolfWorks: Something like that.
[07:45] zaphodbb1: I haven't left home yet, so my smiles are real.
[07:45] JoesGolfWorks: Lucky bastard.
[07:45] JoesGolfWorks: What time do you normally get to work?
[07:46] zaphodbb1: Around 9
[07:46] JoesGolfWorks: Ah.
[07:46] JoesGolfWorks: No wonder you're smiling.
[07:47] zaphodbb1: Working 9 to 5, as Dolly Parton says. Or Polly Darton, if you're in a Sesame Street mood.
[07:47] JoesGolfWorks: :) Which I am.
[07:47] zaphodbb1: And that's why we're such good friends.
[07:47] JoesGolfWorks: LOL
[07:48] zaphodbb1: Did you do anything this weekend?
[07:48] JoesGolfWorks: Nope. Just worked in the shop, getting ready for spring.
[07:49] zaphodbb1: That's right, you have seasons up there in Canada.
[07:49] JoesGolfWorks: We do.
[07:50] JoesGolfWorks: To quote the popular saying, "9 months of winter and 3 months of bad sledding."
[07:50] zaphodbb1: Whoo, you wacky yoopers.
[07:50] JoesGolfWorks: :)
[07:50] JoesGolfWorks: Did you see that Dick Cheney shot someone?
[07:50] zaphodbb1: Yes ... and the guy's doing fine, which means the news can make fun of it all they want.
[07:51] zaphodbb1: Doing anything for V-day?
[07:51] JoesGolfWorks: No plans. Flowers sent to the office, etc.
[07:51] JoesGolfWorks: She can't go out tomorrow because she has a breast-feeding class.
[07:52] zaphodbb1: Ah, the classic Valentine's Day excuse.
[07:52] JoesGolfWorks: I'm nothing if not original.
[07:53] zaphodbb1: How did people manage before there were classes?
[07:53] zaphodbb1: I imagine it was chaos.
[07:53] JoesGolfWorks: I have no idea.
[07:54] JoesGolfWorks: I suspect that guys were a great deal happier before Lamaze.
[07:54] JoesGolfWorks: Talk about videos you do NOT want to watch...
[07:55] zaphodbb1: The book was better?
[07:56] JoesGolfWorks: We have LOTS of books and none of them have THOSE pictures.
[07:57] zaphodbb1: Clearly you don't own Curious George and the Lamaze Class.
[07:57] JoesGolfWorks: This is true.
[07:58] zaphodbb1: Or maybe it was Llama's Class. Something like that.
[07:59] JoesGolfWorks: I had a book as a kid, called A Foal is Born, that starred, in a very significant role, Horse Placenta.
[07:59] JoesGolfWorks: I remember thinking, "Thank God people hired the stork to take care of this crap."
[08:00] zaphodbb1: That's slightly horrifying.
[08:00] zaphodbb1: From the producers of Summer of Sam comes ... Horse Placenta
[08:01] zaphodbb1: In a world ...
[08:01] zaphodbb1: "You'll never take me alive, Horse Placenta!"
[08:01] zaphodbb1: Starring Samuel L. Jackson

I suppose it's good that I get these conversations out of the way before I see any actual people. Most folks would be permanently scarred by talks like this.

Laterz

Working from home.

Yesterday, I decided to leave work at 9:30am because I wasn't feeling well. I figured it was okay because I only had a couple of telephone trainings to conduct and I figured I could do them from home as well as I could from the office. In other words, I figured I'd spend an hour or 2 on the phone and then relax all afternoon.

Oh, the best laid plans of Mice and.... whatever.

I was training from 10am to 4pm and then did a bit more in the evening (though not much, because my trainee thought I sounded too sick, so she told me to go to bed. Sarah laughed quite hard about that.)

So much for my nice relaxing day.

Today's been better, however. I scheduled a few trainings, but the morning was a quickie and I passed off my afternoon job to another trainer, which has given me enough time to shuffle a few papers around on my desk and read the Freep online.

I also took S.A. out to lunch because I was concerned that she was going to kill everyone at her office if I didn't. And to repay me, she has referred to me in her blog today as her manservant. It's good to know where you stand, I guess.

Laterz

I'm sick.

In this case, I mean that completely literally.

I've been fighting off a cold for a few days and I seem to be losing the battle. I slept in the guest room last night in no small part because S.A. can't take any meds and I didn't want to make her sick. Unfortunately, the guest bed is not nearly as comfy as our bed so I didn't sleep particularly well.

I'm supposed to be conducting trainings via telephone all day today, so I thihnk I might go back home and do them from there. It's still work, but it doesn't suck nearly as badly when I get to do it while wrapped in an afghan sitting on my couch.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it,) my office does not have call forwarding, so I can't forward all my calls home. It'd be convenient, but I guess it'd probably piss me off to be getting calls all evening tonight before I come back into work tomorrow to turn off the forwarding. I guess I'll have to make due with checking my voicemail.

Luckily, I don't think I have anything in TiVo, so I shouldn't be tempted to watch TV instead of actually working.

Laterz

Really long-ass Blog Meme

10 Favorites

Favorite Color: I'm kind of into Pink
Favorite Food: Aunt Marie's Zuchini Casserole
Favorite Month: May. It's starting to warm up and I have lots of golf ahead of me.
Favorite Song: Funeral for a Friend - Elton John
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Sport: Baseball
Favorite Season: Summer
Favorite Day of the week: Saturday
Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: Breyers' Brownie Mud Pie
Favorite Time of Day: Evening

9 CURRENTS

Current Mood: Impatient for the end of the work day.
Current Taste: According to Eddie Izzard, Chicken.
Current Clothes: Khakis and a Blue Oxford shirt.
Current Desktop: Factory installed Dell background
Current Toenail Color: Um... flesh colored? One of them is a bit black 'n' blue from kicking my coffee table a few days ago.
Current Time: 2:36 pm
Current Surroundings: My office
Current Thoughts: Can I go HOME yet???

8 FIRSTS

First Best Friend: Michael Barney
First Kiss: Summer
First Screen Name: oharring
First Pet: I guess my folks technically had some fish and dogs when i was really little, but the first one I remember was a cat named Pumpkin.
First Piercing: My foot, on rusty nail.
First Crush: Nicole. And it lasted a long damn time.
First CD: Guns n' Roses - Appetite for Destruction

7 LASTS

Last Cigarette: Never
Last Drink: Screwdriver at bowling league a few weeks ago
Last Car Ride: in to work today
Last Kiss: From S.A. before work this morning. I do my damnedest to get a goodbye kiss every morning.
Last Movie Seen: I watch Grizzly Man on DVD a little bit ago.
Last Phone Call: I called Diego to give him some info about Act and Quickbooks training.
Last CD Played: I was listening to Colin Hay for a few seconds in the car this morning.

6 HAVE YOU EVERS

Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Guy/Girl Friends: Many times.
Have You Ever Broken the Law: Yes.
Have You Ever Been Arrested: No.
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: Yes.
Have You Ever Been on TV: Yes. I was on the Deputy Don show about 20 years ago, and you can hear my voice announcing Barry University volleyball games on a number of telecasts from a few years ago.
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: Yes. (I suppose it depends on how you mean "know".)

5 THINGS

Thing You're Wearing: My rainbow bracelet.
Thing You've Done Today: Plowed a path to my burning barrel at lunch time.
Thing You Can Hear Right Now: My own gum popping.
Thing You Can't Live Without: West Wing and lists from my wife.
Thing You Do When You're Bored: TiVo

4 PLACES YOU'VE BEEN TODAY

1. Home
2. Work
3. Home again
4. Back to work

3 PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL ANYTHING TO

1. S.A.
2. Kev
3. Drew

2 CHOICES

1. Black or White: Black
2. Hot or Cold: Hot. No question.

1 THING YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:

Get to a point where I can quit worrying about money. (Unfortunately, I cannot afford a lottery ticket.) ::sigh::

Helllloooooo!!!!!

Hello faithful readers. Sorry it's been so long since I last checked in, but life's been a bit hectic.

Those of you who also read S.A.'s blog know that we've been getting things set for the baby's arrival in a couple months and that's eaten up a good amount of time. Additionally, due to her posting on Blog for Choice Day, S.A. became a bit of a darling of the Blogosphere and I've spent so much time monitoring the activity along that front that I haven't really had any other time to blog.

Anyway, to be perfectly honest, y'all haven't miseed much. My life has been very busy, but largely uneventful of late.

I hired a new secretary at work, so I guess that's new.

Also, I bowled a 189 last night in our bowling league. This may not seem exciting to most of you, but since I average a 117, it's a pretty significant improvement.

I guess that's about it for now. I'll check back in later.

Laterz

How Roe vs. Wade enabled us to get pregnant

Today is the 33rd anniversary of the landmark Roe vs. Wade decision.

When Justice Robert Blackmun delivered the opinion of the court, he included the following statement, with which I wholly concur.

"We forthwith acknowledge our awareness of the sensitive and emotional nature of the abortion controversy, of the vigorous opposing views, even among physicians, and of the deep and seemingly absolute convictions that the subject inspires. One's philosophy, one's experiences, one's exposure to the raw edges of human existence, one's religious training, one's attitudes toward life and family and their values, and the moral standards one establishes and seeks to observe, are all likely to influence and to color one's thinking and conclusions about abortion. "

In other words, if you disagree with me, that's okay. I just think you're wrong. Thankfully, the same freedoms that allow women to make decisions about their own body also allow all of us to make decisions about what we believe without fear of repercussion. (At least that's how it's supposed to work.)

Just so y'all understand, I am very definitely "Pro-Choice". I am definitely NOT "Pro-Abortion".

S.A. and I tried to get pregnant for over 3 years. When we found out that we were finally pregnant, it was a huge surprise because we had basically given up hope of ever conceiving. We were operating under the assumption that we were going to have to adopt in order to have children. So needless so say, though we were both strong proponents of the adoption process before that point, we were definitely in favor of it now. But our personal beliefs for how we choose to live our lives are not something that we think has any legal standing.

Both S.A. and I come from big Catholic families, and I would be willing to guess that, were you to interview all the members of our immediate and extended families, you would get the same answers from about 95% of them.

Abortion is wrong. This is true (most of them would say) in much the same way that adultery, murder, and child abuse are wrong. I believe that, for this reason, many of them would tell you that they are "pro-life" and that Roe vs. Wade should be struck down. The only major problem with that line of thinking is this-

You CANNOT legislate morality.

Devout Catholics believe that it is WRONG to eat meat on a Friday. Muslims believe it's WRONG to eat pork. According to my old CCD classes (Catholic Sunday School, for all you non-Catholic out there,) the thought is the same as the deed so it is WRONG to "lust" after the hottie who sits 3 rows over from you in your biology class. And simply thinking about how nice it would be to pull out a rocket launcher and blow the SUV in front of you (who is driving 15 miles under the speed limit and has had his turn signal on for 7 miles) off the road is WRONG. It's the same as actually doing it in "God's Eyes".

But no-one would ever suggest that we make laws against all these things. Why? Because you CANNOT LEGISLATE MORALITY. This is THE basic concept upon which this country was founded.

Now I believe that you would be very hard-pressed to find someone who thought that abortion was something they hoped to go through at some point in their life. And to anyone who suggests that folks who have an abortion rather than the alternatives (keeping the baby, offering it up for abortion) , I offer up the following opinion.

You, sir/ma'am, are an idiot.

I'm not going to go into all the research that's been done about the lifelong mental and emotional effects of having an abortion (Do a google search. They're not hard to find. Also, S.A. wrote a much longer and, in all honesty, better blog about this stuff today.) but the decision to have, and the results of having, an abortion are not EASY in any way, shape, or form.

I'll probably try to post a bit more information here later today, but I'll offer up this last bit of personal information before I need to leave for church. (I know, shocking. The pro-choice heathen goes to church.)

When S.A. and I were basically given one last chance to conceive a baby, we were told that because of the nature of the medical treatment we were undergoing, the odds of having "high-level multiples" (e.g. 3 or more babies) were extremely high. Because of this, we were commanded by our doctor to come to a decision relating to our feelings about "selective reduction". In other words, because of the health risks involved in any multiple pregnancy and birth, would we be willing/able to choose to abort some of the fetuses if we found out there were 3 or 4 or 5 or more?

Obviously the specifics of our decision are a pretty personal thing so I won't give you all the details, but in short form, the answer was YES.

Because of the especially high risks to S.A. (We're considered a "high-risk" pregnancy.) carrying an especially high number of multiples (quints, sextuplets) would be EXTREMELY dangerous to both her and to the babies. Because of this, had selective reduction not been an option, (which it WILL NOT BE if our current political administration gets its way,) we would not have been able to have children of our own, because, as much as I want children, I was CATEGORICALLY unwilling to risk S.A.'s health and, more importantly, life.

Thankfully, when we finally got pregnant, it was with just one baby. He's due on April 16th. And I cannot begin to express how glad I am that I was not forced with making a choice between not even trying to conceive a baby and risking the life of the most important person in my life.

The opposite of "Pro-Life" is NOT "Pro-Choice". It's "Pro-Death". I'm immensely thankful that the laws in this country are such that people like S.A. and I actually had a choice. That, among many other reasons, is why I'm Pro-Choice.

Laterz

D'oh!

I have to hire a secretary. I really need one because I am not, well... Let's say I'm kind of a big-picture guy. I'm not so great with the details. In other words, I keep needing to use overnight shipping to get textbooks, because I forget to order them in a timely manner and all the plants in my office are dying.

I've been interviewing candidates for the past few days and I've got some decent candidates, but I just haven't found the right one. Today I decided that I going to request a little bit of extra testing from all my finalists. I wanted to have them basically write me a small press release and make me a small flier, just to let me get a little better idea of their work.

When I took my bright ideas to the owner of my company (my immediate supervisor is out of the office today and I know that the owner really likes me) to get approval for my ideas before I implemented them, he immediately signed off on them. He then asked me, "Having a tough time finding a decent candidate, huh?"

I defense of all the folks I've interviewed I responded that all of the candidates would truly be okay, I just really wanted to find the right person.

He gave me a quizzical look which conveyed to me that perhaps I was taking this interview process a bit too seriously and replied, "Let's not spend TOO much time worrying about this, okay. It's just a secretary."

Evidently, though my seriousness during this whole process has impressed the whole female staff at my agency, I have succeeded in losing all my built up "Guy Points" I'd earned by being the only other male in the building besides the owner.

Crap. I guess I should have used the "Who Looks Best in a Mini-Skirt While Being Chased Around a Desk" hiring criterion.

Laterz

Misc. News and Notes

No particularly exciting happenings on the home front this weekend.

S.A. and I decided on a color for the walls in the nursery. We also decided that the dresser that I am currently using will be moving into the nursery, once it's re-painted. That's kind of fun. It was originally my Grandpa's, so it'll be on to generation number 4. I suspect that Beav would be happy, as he was a very proud student of the "Never Throw Anything Out, EVER" school.

Last night, we went to dinner at La Senorita (Come taste the flavor of fun!) with Kev, Liam, Liam's sister April, and her friend Ruth. All good folks, and a good time was, indeed, had by all. We than went back to the house and played "Apples to Apples" and "Imagine if..."(This is, in fact, a misspelling, but I do not care.)

It's awfully nice to have a few close friends around. Though I wish I wasn't constantly worried about money, I definitely must say that my life right now is fast-approaching my first few years of college as the most satisfying time of my life.

I hope all of you, dear readers, can say the same.

Laterz.

More "Proof Readers Wanted" ads

I got an email this morning from the boss of the person who sent me the "Hostility Training" email. She had received a copy of my responding email.

Dear Mr. Harrington,
I wanted to take a moment to thank you for the email you sent yesterday regarding our Hospitality and Tourism Seminar. We have currently sent out over 200 copies of the email that you received and plan to send out at least 400 more. Your response was the only one we received pointing out that we were actually offering "Hostility Training".
We truly appreciated you input and we also appreciated the fact that you used humor to get your point across.
Thank you again. We look forward to continuing to do business with you in the future.

A**** T*******

Cripe. I believe this means that most people in the country are really dumb. (Otherwise, SOMEBODY would have mentioned this besides me.) Also, it certainly establishes that the meanings we take from things are inferred; they are not necessarily implied. I certainly thought my email was funny. I'm a little surprised that they did.

*****************************************************************

1 small note for all those people in the world who look for things to make them feel good about humanity.

In 1929, 25 years after J.M. Barrie published Peter Pan, he gave the copyright of his children'’s classic to Great Ormond Street Hospital for Children. This means that every time it's made into a movie or used as the basis for another book (Hook by Terry Brooks, Capt. Hook : The Adventures of a Notorious Youth by J. V. Hart and Brett Helquist, and Peter and the Starcatchers by Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson, among many others), the Children's Hospital receives the author's royalties.

I just thought that this was really cool and worth mentioning. Also, I can personally vouch for the 3 aforementioned books, so perhaps you should all go buy them and both get to read a few good books, but also get to feel that you're giving to a worthy cause.

Just a thought.

Laterz

Reasons why proof-readers are important

The following is an email I received from a major corporate training agency today. I do a good amount of business with this company, becuase they have developed a very good training curriculum. That being said, today was definitely not one of their shining moments.

Hello There,

I am sorry I missed you. I wanted to tell you about our hostility and tourism program. The program is being launch on January 15. Also we have our train to trainer seminar on February 27, 2006. This seminar will be located in sunny Florida.

I did let you know that at least once a month I would contact you, so that the communication lines will always be open. If you have any questions feel free to contact me at my office. I have been assigned to your region to help you with any and everything, from marketing to ordering exams. So please exhaust your resources.

Thank you and I look forward to speaking with you.

Your Partner,

J****** M******

I responded with the following email.

Johnnel-
Thank you for your email. I appreciate your contacting me and keeping me informed. Email is often the best way to accomplish this as I am generally away from my phone.
One note- While I can see that Hospitality and Tourism training could be very useful, I suspect that "Hostility" and Tourism training will find a much smaller market. I know that I, for one, am already very good at directing hostility towards tourists. Check the email you sent me. I hope it wasn't a form letter you sent out to many people.

Thank you again for keeping me informed.

Owen Harrington

Notice that I was nice enough not to mention that the program was "being launch" on January 15. Nor did I mention that a "train to trainer" seminar sounds potentially painful. (A TRAINER to trainer seminar might be better.) And I even kept it to myself that, in the phrase "any and everything", the any should be hyphenated.

This is why I'm having a difficult time hiring a secretary. If I hire someone who writes like this, I'm just gonna have to fire them.

Laterz.

Applebuns. Crusty Applebuns.

The following in an excerpt from the children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants" by Dave Pilkey. In the book the evil professor forces everyone to assume new names.

Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:

a = poopsie
b = lumpy
c = buttercup
d = gidget
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = fluffy
h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim
j = stinky
k = flunky
l = boobie
m = pinky
n = zippy
o = goober
p = doofus
q = slimy
r = loopy
s = snotty
t = tootie
u = dorkey
v = squeezit
w = oprah
x = skipper
y = dinky
z = zsa-zsa

Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = apple
b = toilet
c = giggle
d = burger
e = girdle
f = barf
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = cootie
j = monkey
k = potty
l = liver
m = banana
n = rhino
o = bubble
p = hamster
q = toad
r = gizzard
s = pizza
t = gerbil
u = chicken
v = pickle
w = chuckle
x = tofu
y = gorilla
z = stinker

Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

a = head
b = mouth
c = face
d = nose
e = tush
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = butt
l = brain
m = tushie
n = chunks
o = hiney
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = buns
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = kisser
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = brains
z = juice

Post your new name in the comments!

Going' for a Threebie.

Beacause I'm really trying to get back on track with this whole blogging thing, I have a third entry for today.

Would you rather:

1. wear underwear made out of fur OR bubblegum? Is the gum chewed?
2. have a complete stranger walk up and french kiss you OR get licked on your naked butt by a strange dog? Assuming we're just talking about a cheek, I'll opt for the dog licking my ass. The stranger thing would be okay if everyone looked like Natalie Portman, but it's been my observation that much of world looks alot like Louie Anderson.
3. put curry on everything you eat OR touch everything to your chin before putting it in your mouth? I'm opting for the curry. I don't even like food to touch my lips, much less my chin.
4. make a funny face and have it stay that way OR lie and have your pants light on fire? Definitely the pants on fire. If that happened, I suspect most people would even mind my lying.

Ouch...

S.A. says I have to be more diligent about posting to my blog. However, she says it's okay for my posts not to be at all timely or related to anything in my life at the moment. She actually suggested I post this one.

I swear that this is a true story, though I'm sure many of you are going to say I'm repeating a joke or something.

A close friend of my dad's (a retired teacher from my old high school) has a twin brother who lives in the Detroit area. Years ago, his brother was sent to the store by his wife, who was sick in bed with the flu.

She gave him a short list of items to pick up. Most of the items were no big deal, but he was somewhat dismayed to find that he was supposed to pick up a box of feminine hygiene products. Being a dutiful husband, he went the the feminine hygiene section and looked for the exact product she had requested. After a bit of searching he found the right box.

He went up to the check-out line and set all his items on the belt. One-by-one, the clerk rang up the items until she came to the box of feminine products. She began turning the box end-over-end in her hands, apparently looking for a price tag.

When he realized that she didn't seem to be finding one, he quickly offered to run back to the shelf and see if there was a price tag there. Unfortunately, before he could go look, she turned to the microphone next to her register.

"Bob, can I have a price check on Tampax?" she broadcast over the crackly store p.a. system.

As customers in neighboring checkout lines turned to look at the now-mortified shopper, a little old man (apparently Bob) yelled from the back of the store, "Do you mean the ones you push in with your thumb or the kind you drive in with a hammer???"

Evidently, he thought she'd asked about tacks.

Again, I swear that this is a true story. Mr. V. (the teacher) even submitted it to Reader's Digest in the early 80's.

Positive Affirmations for Childbirth (From a Guy's Point of View)

At Lamaze class last night, S.A. and I were given a sheet of paper labeled "Positive Affirmations for Childbirth". It's a list of things that we should say aloud to ourselves or write down repeatedly throughout the week. Evidently, if we say enough good things to ourselves during the days and weeks that lead up to the birth, we won't worry so much when the slimy lizard pops out from between her legs. I think that for anyone who is considering attending a Lamaze class in the future, it might be important for you to understand what you're in for.

Affirmations for the Man/Partner

1. I see my wife as a strong and capable woman, and this does not threaten me. (This may not threaten me, but I guarantee that if S.A. hears me spouting this drivel when she's in the hospital, she's definitely gonna threaten me.)
2. Childbirth is a safe and natural process. (Safe for who? It may be natural, but anything that involves screaming, blood, and what is apparently a mucus-covered reptile coming out of my wife's private region, can hardly be described as being exactly safe. And the fact that she's made it very clear that she doesn't care if I pass out and crack my head open on the floor in the delivery room, but I am damn well gonna be with her in the delivery room even though I really hate both needles and blood implies to me that the process may not be entirely safe for me either.)
   
3. I am supporting my wife during her labor, even when she is in pain. (I'm assuming they don't mean this in a literal sense. She's planning on being largely numb through the process and I am certainly not planning to hold her up through the whole process. Especially since both our mom's were in labor for 24 hours+ when in labor with us.)
   
4. It is OK for my wife to have pain during childbirth. I know the pain is temporary, and can't harm her. (Again, can't harm her??? Episiotomy, anyone?)
   
5. I am expressing my love to my wife easily and frequently. (Frequently, yes. As she gets crankier and clutzier, easily may be an overstatement.)
   
6. I am accepting the labor that is meant for us. (What's this us stuff??? I'm not going into labor. And who exactly meant it for us? If God intended for people to suffer through "natural childbirth" he wouldn't have invented epidurals.)
   
7. I am accepting feelings of helplessness, and I know that these feelings are normal. (I'm confused. How am I helpless? Do I need help? Should I be more helpful? I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed to do any of the pushing.)
   
8. I am feeling the love others have for me when I need support. (This is complete crap. People do not give a shit when I need support. When we have company to the house now, they don't even bother to say hello to me. The general order of events is- Ask how "Mama" is doing; rub her stomach; go look at the nursery. People are not concerned about dad needing any support.)
   
9. I am sensitive, tender, open, and trusting. (I'm not really known for being sensitive or tender; I tend to be a little too open; and, as they say on the X-Files, "Trust no-one.")
   

2005 in Review

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? I made a baby.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I’ve never made a New Year’s Resolution. I’m gonna this year, though.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Two of my wife’s cousins had their first babies. We’re up next.
4. Did anyone close to you die? No.
5. What countries did you visit? None.
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? I’m gonna have a baby boy.
7. What dates from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Friday, August 5th. That’s the day we found out we were pregnant.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I got hired and promoted twice in a 6-month span.
9. What was your biggest failure? I live the same failure every day. I will never be able to live up to the example set forth for me by my grandpa.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Healthy as a horse.
11. What was the best thing you bought? Fertility shots.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My mother-in-law. At some point this year, she finally crossed over into the light and declared (at least to my wife and I) that’s she’s no longer a Republican and she agrees that President Bush IS evil.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Dubya’s
14. Where did most of your money go? I’m not sure. It sure did disappear fast, though.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Sam
16. What song will always remind you of 2005? Beautiful Boy
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? WAY Happier b) thinner or fatter? Fatter c) richer or poorer? About the same, but looking up.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? I wish I'd spent more time with the gang.
    
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Procrastinating
20. How did you spend Christmas? Christmas Eve was with my family – S.A., Mom, Pop, Frog, Aunt Marie, Uncle Joe & Aunt Beck, Jake, & Sara. Christmas Day was with S.A.’s clan. Sylv & Danno, Rach & Jeff, Matt & Joe, Amy, Joe & the girls, the Scotts, more Hamps, assorted grandparents, etc.
21. Did you fall in love in 2005? Every day, over and over again
22. How many one-night stands? None
23. What was your favorite TV program? House or West Wing
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? No.
25. What was the best book you read? S.A. formatted and put every installation of NPR’s This I Believe series in a binder of me for Christmas. I read it, with tears streaming down my face, for hours.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery? More of a re-deiscovery really. Hooked on Classics. This time on CD.
27. What did you want and get? A good job and a pregnant wife.
28. What did you want and not get? A jeep.
29. What was your favorite film of this year? I think I went to fewer movies this year than any year since I got my driver’s license.
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I don’t think I really did much. I turned 27.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Finshing up the mortgage process.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? “Sweetie? What should I wear???”
    
33. What kept you sane? Who says I’m sane?
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Can’t really think of anybody offhand.
35. What political issue stirred you the most? Iraq.
36. Who did you miss? Drew, Shawna, Steve, Michelle, Jen, Kerry, Carol, & PJ
37. Who was the best new person you met? I don’t really think I met anyone new this year, but I’m closer than before with a number of people.
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: Stuff works out.
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"If not for you
My sky would fall,
Rain would gather too.
Without your love I'd be nowhere at all,
I'd be lost if not for you."
-George Harrison
“If Not for You”