Anagrams

Andrew Andrew wrote a quickie blog the other day involving anagrams. I love anagrams. (Too many years of reading Dave Barry, I guess...)

I checked out the site he referenced and had to share one of the anagrams created for me.

From this point forward, the agency for whom I toil (The Learning Center of Northern Michigan) shall be known as-
On fertile, trenchant greenhorn. I'm aching.

So true. So true.

Conversations You're Glad Took Place on Instant Messenger rather than on, say, Speaker Phone

This is a partial transcript of a conversation I had this morning on Instant Messenger.


[07:39] JoesGolfWorks: Good morning, my friend!
[07:42] zaphodbb1: good morning :)
[07:43] zaphodbb1: You're in a good mood.
[07:43] JoesGolfWorks: I'm faking it. :)
[07:43] JoesGolfWorks: I've decided to be perky this morning.
[07:43] zaphodbb1: Wheeee
[07:43] JoesGolfWorks: Because the alternative is biting people.
[07:43] zaphodbb1: Can't you do both?
[07:44] JoesGolfWorks: Yes. But now the biting will be a real surprise to my victims.
[07:44] zaphodbb1: Don't they always say that it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile and bite?
[07:44] JoesGolfWorks: Something like that.
[07:45] zaphodbb1: I haven't left home yet, so my smiles are real.
[07:45] JoesGolfWorks: Lucky bastard.
[07:45] JoesGolfWorks: What time do you normally get to work?
[07:46] zaphodbb1: Around 9
[07:46] JoesGolfWorks: Ah.
[07:46] JoesGolfWorks: No wonder you're smiling.
[07:47] zaphodbb1: Working 9 to 5, as Dolly Parton says. Or Polly Darton, if you're in a Sesame Street mood.
[07:47] JoesGolfWorks: :) Which I am.
[07:47] zaphodbb1: And that's why we're such good friends.
[07:47] JoesGolfWorks: LOL
[07:48] zaphodbb1: Did you do anything this weekend?
[07:48] JoesGolfWorks: Nope. Just worked in the shop, getting ready for spring.
[07:49] zaphodbb1: That's right, you have seasons up there in Canada.
[07:49] JoesGolfWorks: We do.
[07:50] JoesGolfWorks: To quote the popular saying, "9 months of winter and 3 months of bad sledding."
[07:50] zaphodbb1: Whoo, you wacky yoopers.
[07:50] JoesGolfWorks: :)
[07:50] JoesGolfWorks: Did you see that Dick Cheney shot someone?
[07:50] zaphodbb1: Yes ... and the guy's doing fine, which means the news can make fun of it all they want.
[07:51] zaphodbb1: Doing anything for V-day?
[07:51] JoesGolfWorks: No plans. Flowers sent to the office, etc.
[07:51] JoesGolfWorks: She can't go out tomorrow because she has a breast-feeding class.
[07:52] zaphodbb1: Ah, the classic Valentine's Day excuse.
[07:52] JoesGolfWorks: I'm nothing if not original.
[07:53] zaphodbb1: How did people manage before there were classes?
[07:53] zaphodbb1: I imagine it was chaos.
[07:53] JoesGolfWorks: I have no idea.
[07:54] JoesGolfWorks: I suspect that guys were a great deal happier before Lamaze.
[07:54] JoesGolfWorks: Talk about videos you do NOT want to watch...
[07:55] zaphodbb1: The book was better?
[07:56] JoesGolfWorks: We have LOTS of books and none of them have THOSE pictures.
[07:57] zaphodbb1: Clearly you don't own Curious George and the Lamaze Class.
[07:57] JoesGolfWorks: This is true.
[07:58] zaphodbb1: Or maybe it was Llama's Class. Something like that.
[07:59] JoesGolfWorks: I had a book as a kid, called A Foal is Born, that starred, in a very significant role, Horse Placenta.
[07:59] JoesGolfWorks: I remember thinking, "Thank God people hired the stork to take care of this crap."
[08:00] zaphodbb1: That's slightly horrifying.
[08:00] zaphodbb1: From the producers of Summer of Sam comes ... Horse Placenta
[08:01] zaphodbb1: In a world ...
[08:01] zaphodbb1: "You'll never take me alive, Horse Placenta!"
[08:01] zaphodbb1: Starring Samuel L. Jackson

I suppose it's good that I get these conversations out of the way before I see any actual people. Most folks would be permanently scarred by talks like this.

Laterz

Applebuns. Crusty Applebuns.

The following in an excerpt from the children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants" by Dave Pilkey. In the book the evil professor forces everyone to assume new names.

Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:

a = poopsie
b = lumpy
c = buttercup
d = gidget
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = fluffy
h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim
j = stinky
k = flunky
l = boobie
m = pinky
n = zippy
o = goober
p = doofus
q = slimy
r = loopy
s = snotty
t = tootie
u = dorkey
v = squeezit
w = oprah
x = skipper
y = dinky
z = zsa-zsa

Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = apple
b = toilet
c = giggle
d = burger
e = girdle
f = barf
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = cootie
j = monkey
k = potty
l = liver
m = banana
n = rhino
o = bubble
p = hamster
q = toad
r = gizzard
s = pizza
t = gerbil
u = chicken
v = pickle
w = chuckle
x = tofu
y = gorilla
z = stinker

Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

a = head
b = mouth
c = face
d = nose
e = tush
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = butt
l = brain
m = tushie
n = chunks
o = hiney
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = buns
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = kisser
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = brains
z = juice

Post your new name in the comments!

Ouch...

S.A. says I have to be more diligent about posting to my blog. However, she says it's okay for my posts not to be at all timely or related to anything in my life at the moment. She actually suggested I post this one.

I swear that this is a true story, though I'm sure many of you are going to say I'm repeating a joke or something.

A close friend of my dad's (a retired teacher from my old high school) has a twin brother who lives in the Detroit area. Years ago, his brother was sent to the store by his wife, who was sick in bed with the flu.

She gave him a short list of items to pick up. Most of the items were no big deal, but he was somewhat dismayed to find that he was supposed to pick up a box of feminine hygiene products. Being a dutiful husband, he went the the feminine hygiene section and looked for the exact product she had requested. After a bit of searching he found the right box.

He went up to the check-out line and set all his items on the belt. One-by-one, the clerk rang up the items until she came to the box of feminine products. She began turning the box end-over-end in her hands, apparently looking for a price tag.

When he realized that she didn't seem to be finding one, he quickly offered to run back to the shelf and see if there was a price tag there. Unfortunately, before he could go look, she turned to the microphone next to her register.

"Bob, can I have a price check on Tampax?" she broadcast over the crackly store p.a. system.

As customers in neighboring checkout lines turned to look at the now-mortified shopper, a little old man (apparently Bob) yelled from the back of the store, "Do you mean the ones you push in with your thumb or the kind you drive in with a hammer???"

Evidently, he thought she'd asked about tacks.

Again, I swear that this is a true story. Mr. V. (the teacher) even submitted it to Reader's Digest in the early 80's.

Spike in Portugese

I have a site counter for this blog. I put in on as a sort of lark, but I figured, hey, why not. So I check it periodically and it gives me some interesting info. Like for instance, I know that as i type this, there is a visitor reading my blog from central Georgia. (The state, not the ex-Russian republic.) Anyway, I was looking through the available stats as I kill time before I can go home, and I noticed that almost 4% of the people who read my blog do so in PORTUGESE. I looked at the time zone map that shows me how many people read my blog in each time zone and it doesn't look like I have many readers in western Europe which leads me to believe that I have readers in Brazil. This blows my mind. I've never been to Brazil and I know that much of the country is rain forests and whatnot, but I'm saying right now- If someone is reading my blog, rather than sitting on a topless beach in Rio, their priorities are a bit screwy. But anyway, I'm interested now. The time zone map says I've got readers in Europe, Asia, South America... All the hell over the place. So from now on, if you're from somewhere other than the U.S. , leave a comment, or else a note on the tagboard. For that matter, if you're from the U.S., leave a note. I wanna see where my message is going out to. And also if there are any governments I should apologize to for spreading this drivel. So let me know.

Laterz

Seriously?

Walked into the kitchen this morning, where my wife was listening to NPR. Sometimes I think walking in to the middle of a radio program is worse than walking in on the middle of a conversation. But just so know know, Fiddler Crabs have tongues ON THEIR FEET. Seriously. I just had to pass that along.

Laterz