I'm sick.

In this case, I mean that completely literally.

I've been fighting off a cold for a few days and I seem to be losing the battle. I slept in the guest room last night in no small part because S.A. can't take any meds and I didn't want to make her sick. Unfortunately, the guest bed is not nearly as comfy as our bed so I didn't sleep particularly well.

I'm supposed to be conducting trainings via telephone all day today, so I thihnk I might go back home and do them from there. It's still work, but it doesn't suck nearly as badly when I get to do it while wrapped in an afghan sitting on my couch.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it,) my office does not have call forwarding, so I can't forward all my calls home. It'd be convenient, but I guess it'd probably piss me off to be getting calls all evening tonight before I come back into work tomorrow to turn off the forwarding. I guess I'll have to make due with checking my voicemail.

Luckily, I don't think I have anything in TiVo, so I shouldn't be tempted to watch TV instead of actually working.

Laterz

Really long-ass Blog Meme

10 Favorites

Favorite Color: I'm kind of into Pink
Favorite Food: Aunt Marie's Zuchini Casserole
Favorite Month: May. It's starting to warm up and I have lots of golf ahead of me.
Favorite Song: Funeral for a Friend - Elton John
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Sport: Baseball
Favorite Season: Summer
Favorite Day of the week: Saturday
Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: Breyers' Brownie Mud Pie
Favorite Time of Day: Evening

9 CURRENTS

Current Mood: Impatient for the end of the work day.
Current Taste: According to Eddie Izzard, Chicken.
Current Clothes: Khakis and a Blue Oxford shirt.
Current Desktop: Factory installed Dell background
Current Toenail Color: Um... flesh colored? One of them is a bit black 'n' blue from kicking my coffee table a few days ago.
Current Time: 2:36 pm
Current Surroundings: My office
Current Thoughts: Can I go HOME yet???

8 FIRSTS

First Best Friend: Michael Barney
First Kiss: Summer
First Screen Name: oharring
First Pet: I guess my folks technically had some fish and dogs when i was really little, but the first one I remember was a cat named Pumpkin.
First Piercing: My foot, on rusty nail.
First Crush: Nicole. And it lasted a long damn time.
First CD: Guns n' Roses - Appetite for Destruction

7 LASTS

Last Cigarette: Never
Last Drink: Screwdriver at bowling league a few weeks ago
Last Car Ride: in to work today
Last Kiss: From S.A. before work this morning. I do my damnedest to get a goodbye kiss every morning.
Last Movie Seen: I watch Grizzly Man on DVD a little bit ago.
Last Phone Call: I called Diego to give him some info about Act and Quickbooks training.
Last CD Played: I was listening to Colin Hay for a few seconds in the car this morning.

6 HAVE YOU EVERS

Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Guy/Girl Friends: Many times.
Have You Ever Broken the Law: Yes.
Have You Ever Been Arrested: No.
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: Yes.
Have You Ever Been on TV: Yes. I was on the Deputy Don show about 20 years ago, and you can hear my voice announcing Barry University volleyball games on a number of telecasts from a few years ago.
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: Yes. (I suppose it depends on how you mean "know".)

5 THINGS

Thing You're Wearing: My rainbow bracelet.
Thing You've Done Today: Plowed a path to my burning barrel at lunch time.
Thing You Can Hear Right Now: My own gum popping.
Thing You Can't Live Without: West Wing and lists from my wife.
Thing You Do When You're Bored: TiVo

4 PLACES YOU'VE BEEN TODAY

1. Home
2. Work
3. Home again
4. Back to work

3 PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL ANYTHING TO

1. S.A.
2. Kev
3. Drew

2 CHOICES

1. Black or White: Black
2. Hot or Cold: Hot. No question.

1 THING YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:

Get to a point where I can quit worrying about money. (Unfortunately, I cannot afford a lottery ticket.) ::sigh::

Helllloooooo!!!!!

Hello faithful readers. Sorry it's been so long since I last checked in, but life's been a bit hectic.

Those of you who also read S.A.'s blog know that we've been getting things set for the baby's arrival in a couple months and that's eaten up a good amount of time. Additionally, due to her posting on Blog for Choice Day, S.A. became a bit of a darling of the Blogosphere and I've spent so much time monitoring the activity along that front that I haven't really had any other time to blog.

Anyway, to be perfectly honest, y'all haven't miseed much. My life has been very busy, but largely uneventful of late.

I hired a new secretary at work, so I guess that's new.

Also, I bowled a 189 last night in our bowling league. This may not seem exciting to most of you, but since I average a 117, it's a pretty significant improvement.

I guess that's about it for now. I'll check back in later.

Laterz

How Roe vs. Wade enabled us to get pregnant

Today is the 33rd anniversary of the landmark Roe vs. Wade decision.

When Justice Robert Blackmun delivered the opinion of the court, he included the following statement, with which I wholly concur.

"We forthwith acknowledge our awareness of the sensitive and emotional nature of the abortion controversy, of the vigorous opposing views, even among physicians, and of the deep and seemingly absolute convictions that the subject inspires. One's philosophy, one's experiences, one's exposure to the raw edges of human existence, one's religious training, one's attitudes toward life and family and their values, and the moral standards one establishes and seeks to observe, are all likely to influence and to color one's thinking and conclusions about abortion. "

In other words, if you disagree with me, that's okay. I just think you're wrong. Thankfully, the same freedoms that allow women to make decisions about their own body also allow all of us to make decisions about what we believe without fear of repercussion. (At least that's how it's supposed to work.)

Just so y'all understand, I am very definitely "Pro-Choice". I am definitely NOT "Pro-Abortion".

S.A. and I tried to get pregnant for over 3 years. When we found out that we were finally pregnant, it was a huge surprise because we had basically given up hope of ever conceiving. We were operating under the assumption that we were going to have to adopt in order to have children. So needless so say, though we were both strong proponents of the adoption process before that point, we were definitely in favor of it now. But our personal beliefs for how we choose to live our lives are not something that we think has any legal standing.

Both S.A. and I come from big Catholic families, and I would be willing to guess that, were you to interview all the members of our immediate and extended families, you would get the same answers from about 95% of them.

Abortion is wrong. This is true (most of them would say) in much the same way that adultery, murder, and child abuse are wrong. I believe that, for this reason, many of them would tell you that they are "pro-life" and that Roe vs. Wade should be struck down. The only major problem with that line of thinking is this-

You CANNOT legislate morality.

Devout Catholics believe that it is WRONG to eat meat on a Friday. Muslims believe it's WRONG to eat pork. According to my old CCD classes (Catholic Sunday School, for all you non-Catholic out there,) the thought is the same as the deed so it is WRONG to "lust" after the hottie who sits 3 rows over from you in your biology class. And simply thinking about how nice it would be to pull out a rocket launcher and blow the SUV in front of you (who is driving 15 miles under the speed limit and has had his turn signal on for 7 miles) off the road is WRONG. It's the same as actually doing it in "God's Eyes".

But no-one would ever suggest that we make laws against all these things. Why? Because you CANNOT LEGISLATE MORALITY. This is THE basic concept upon which this country was founded.

Now I believe that you would be very hard-pressed to find someone who thought that abortion was something they hoped to go through at some point in their life. And to anyone who suggests that folks who have an abortion rather than the alternatives (keeping the baby, offering it up for abortion) , I offer up the following opinion.

You, sir/ma'am, are an idiot.

I'm not going to go into all the research that's been done about the lifelong mental and emotional effects of having an abortion (Do a google search. They're not hard to find. Also, S.A. wrote a much longer and, in all honesty, better blog about this stuff today.) but the decision to have, and the results of having, an abortion are not EASY in any way, shape, or form.

I'll probably try to post a bit more information here later today, but I'll offer up this last bit of personal information before I need to leave for church. (I know, shocking. The pro-choice heathen goes to church.)

When S.A. and I were basically given one last chance to conceive a baby, we were told that because of the nature of the medical treatment we were undergoing, the odds of having "high-level multiples" (e.g. 3 or more babies) were extremely high. Because of this, we were commanded by our doctor to come to a decision relating to our feelings about "selective reduction". In other words, because of the health risks involved in any multiple pregnancy and birth, would we be willing/able to choose to abort some of the fetuses if we found out there were 3 or 4 or 5 or more?

Obviously the specifics of our decision are a pretty personal thing so I won't give you all the details, but in short form, the answer was YES.

Because of the especially high risks to S.A. (We're considered a "high-risk" pregnancy.) carrying an especially high number of multiples (quints, sextuplets) would be EXTREMELY dangerous to both her and to the babies. Because of this, had selective reduction not been an option, (which it WILL NOT BE if our current political administration gets its way,) we would not have been able to have children of our own, because, as much as I want children, I was CATEGORICALLY unwilling to risk S.A.'s health and, more importantly, life.

Thankfully, when we finally got pregnant, it was with just one baby. He's due on April 16th. And I cannot begin to express how glad I am that I was not forced with making a choice between not even trying to conceive a baby and risking the life of the most important person in my life.

The opposite of "Pro-Life" is NOT "Pro-Choice". It's "Pro-Death". I'm immensely thankful that the laws in this country are such that people like S.A. and I actually had a choice. That, among many other reasons, is why I'm Pro-Choice.

Laterz

D'oh!

I have to hire a secretary. I really need one because I am not, well... Let's say I'm kind of a big-picture guy. I'm not so great with the details. In other words, I keep needing to use overnight shipping to get textbooks, because I forget to order them in a timely manner and all the plants in my office are dying.

I've been interviewing candidates for the past few days and I've got some decent candidates, but I just haven't found the right one. Today I decided that I going to request a little bit of extra testing from all my finalists. I wanted to have them basically write me a small press release and make me a small flier, just to let me get a little better idea of their work.

When I took my bright ideas to the owner of my company (my immediate supervisor is out of the office today and I know that the owner really likes me) to get approval for my ideas before I implemented them, he immediately signed off on them. He then asked me, "Having a tough time finding a decent candidate, huh?"

I defense of all the folks I've interviewed I responded that all of the candidates would truly be okay, I just really wanted to find the right person.

He gave me a quizzical look which conveyed to me that perhaps I was taking this interview process a bit too seriously and replied, "Let's not spend TOO much time worrying about this, okay. It's just a secretary."

Evidently, though my seriousness during this whole process has impressed the whole female staff at my agency, I have succeeded in losing all my built up "Guy Points" I'd earned by being the only other male in the building besides the owner.

Crap. I guess I should have used the "Who Looks Best in a Mini-Skirt While Being Chased Around a Desk" hiring criterion.

Laterz

Misc. News and Notes

No particularly exciting happenings on the home front this weekend.

S.A. and I decided on a color for the walls in the nursery. We also decided that the dresser that I am currently using will be moving into the nursery, once it's re-painted. That's kind of fun. It was originally my Grandpa's, so it'll be on to generation number 4. I suspect that Beav would be happy, as he was a very proud student of the "Never Throw Anything Out, EVER" school.

Last night, we went to dinner at La Senorita (Come taste the flavor of fun!) with Kev, Liam, Liam's sister April, and her friend Ruth. All good folks, and a good time was, indeed, had by all. We than went back to the house and played "Apples to Apples" and "Imagine if..."(This is, in fact, a misspelling, but I do not care.)

It's awfully nice to have a few close friends around. Though I wish I wasn't constantly worried about money, I definitely must say that my life right now is fast-approaching my first few years of college as the most satisfying time of my life.

I hope all of you, dear readers, can say the same.

Laterz.

More "Proof Readers Wanted" ads

I got an email this morning from the boss of the person who sent me the "Hostility Training" email. She had received a copy of my responding email.

Dear Mr. Harrington,
I wanted to take a moment to thank you for the email you sent yesterday regarding our Hospitality and Tourism Seminar. We have currently sent out over 200 copies of the email that you received and plan to send out at least 400 more. Your response was the only one we received pointing out that we were actually offering "Hostility Training".
We truly appreciated you input and we also appreciated the fact that you used humor to get your point across.
Thank you again. We look forward to continuing to do business with you in the future.

A**** T*******

Cripe. I believe this means that most people in the country are really dumb. (Otherwise, SOMEBODY would have mentioned this besides me.) Also, it certainly establishes that the meanings we take from things are inferred; they are not necessarily implied. I certainly thought my email was funny. I'm a little surprised that they did.

*****************************************************************

1 small note for all those people in the world who look for things to make them feel good about humanity.

In 1929, 25 years after J.M. Barrie published Peter Pan, he gave the copyright of his children'’s classic to Great Ormond Street Hospital for Children. This means that every time it's made into a movie or used as the basis for another book (Hook by Terry Brooks, Capt. Hook : The Adventures of a Notorious Youth by J. V. Hart and Brett Helquist, and Peter and the Starcatchers by Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson, among many others), the Children's Hospital receives the author's royalties.

I just thought that this was really cool and worth mentioning. Also, I can personally vouch for the 3 aforementioned books, so perhaps you should all go buy them and both get to read a few good books, but also get to feel that you're giving to a worthy cause.

Just a thought.

Laterz

Reasons why proof-readers are important

The following is an email I received from a major corporate training agency today. I do a good amount of business with this company, becuase they have developed a very good training curriculum. That being said, today was definitely not one of their shining moments.

Hello There,

I am sorry I missed you. I wanted to tell you about our hostility and tourism program. The program is being launch on January 15. Also we have our train to trainer seminar on February 27, 2006. This seminar will be located in sunny Florida.

I did let you know that at least once a month I would contact you, so that the communication lines will always be open. If you have any questions feel free to contact me at my office. I have been assigned to your region to help you with any and everything, from marketing to ordering exams. So please exhaust your resources.

Thank you and I look forward to speaking with you.

Your Partner,

J****** M******

I responded with the following email.

Johnnel-
Thank you for your email. I appreciate your contacting me and keeping me informed. Email is often the best way to accomplish this as I am generally away from my phone.
One note- While I can see that Hospitality and Tourism training could be very useful, I suspect that "Hostility" and Tourism training will find a much smaller market. I know that I, for one, am already very good at directing hostility towards tourists. Check the email you sent me. I hope it wasn't a form letter you sent out to many people.

Thank you again for keeping me informed.

Owen Harrington

Notice that I was nice enough not to mention that the program was "being launch" on January 15. Nor did I mention that a "train to trainer" seminar sounds potentially painful. (A TRAINER to trainer seminar might be better.) And I even kept it to myself that, in the phrase "any and everything", the any should be hyphenated.

This is why I'm having a difficult time hiring a secretary. If I hire someone who writes like this, I'm just gonna have to fire them.

Laterz.

Applebuns. Crusty Applebuns.

The following in an excerpt from the children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants" by Dave Pilkey. In the book the evil professor forces everyone to assume new names.

Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:

a = poopsie
b = lumpy
c = buttercup
d = gidget
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = fluffy
h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim
j = stinky
k = flunky
l = boobie
m = pinky
n = zippy
o = goober
p = doofus
q = slimy
r = loopy
s = snotty
t = tootie
u = dorkey
v = squeezit
w = oprah
x = skipper
y = dinky
z = zsa-zsa

Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = apple
b = toilet
c = giggle
d = burger
e = girdle
f = barf
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = cootie
j = monkey
k = potty
l = liver
m = banana
n = rhino
o = bubble
p = hamster
q = toad
r = gizzard
s = pizza
t = gerbil
u = chicken
v = pickle
w = chuckle
x = tofu
y = gorilla
z = stinker

Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

a = head
b = mouth
c = face
d = nose
e = tush
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = butt
l = brain
m = tushie
n = chunks
o = hiney
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = buns
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = kisser
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = brains
z = juice

Post your new name in the comments!

Going' for a Threebie.

Beacause I'm really trying to get back on track with this whole blogging thing, I have a third entry for today.

Would you rather:

1. wear underwear made out of fur OR bubblegum? Is the gum chewed?
2. have a complete stranger walk up and french kiss you OR get licked on your naked butt by a strange dog? Assuming we're just talking about a cheek, I'll opt for the dog licking my ass. The stranger thing would be okay if everyone looked like Natalie Portman, but it's been my observation that much of world looks alot like Louie Anderson.
3. put curry on everything you eat OR touch everything to your chin before putting it in your mouth? I'm opting for the curry. I don't even like food to touch my lips, much less my chin.
4. make a funny face and have it stay that way OR lie and have your pants light on fire? Definitely the pants on fire. If that happened, I suspect most people would even mind my lying.

Ouch...

S.A. says I have to be more diligent about posting to my blog. However, she says it's okay for my posts not to be at all timely or related to anything in my life at the moment. She actually suggested I post this one.

I swear that this is a true story, though I'm sure many of you are going to say I'm repeating a joke or something.

A close friend of my dad's (a retired teacher from my old high school) has a twin brother who lives in the Detroit area. Years ago, his brother was sent to the store by his wife, who was sick in bed with the flu.

She gave him a short list of items to pick up. Most of the items were no big deal, but he was somewhat dismayed to find that he was supposed to pick up a box of feminine hygiene products. Being a dutiful husband, he went the the feminine hygiene section and looked for the exact product she had requested. After a bit of searching he found the right box.

He went up to the check-out line and set all his items on the belt. One-by-one, the clerk rang up the items until she came to the box of feminine products. She began turning the box end-over-end in her hands, apparently looking for a price tag.

When he realized that she didn't seem to be finding one, he quickly offered to run back to the shelf and see if there was a price tag there. Unfortunately, before he could go look, she turned to the microphone next to her register.

"Bob, can I have a price check on Tampax?" she broadcast over the crackly store p.a. system.

As customers in neighboring checkout lines turned to look at the now-mortified shopper, a little old man (apparently Bob) yelled from the back of the store, "Do you mean the ones you push in with your thumb or the kind you drive in with a hammer???"

Evidently, he thought she'd asked about tacks.

Again, I swear that this is a true story. Mr. V. (the teacher) even submitted it to Reader's Digest in the early 80's.

Positive Affirmations for Childbirth (From a Guy's Point of View)

At Lamaze class last night, S.A. and I were given a sheet of paper labeled "Positive Affirmations for Childbirth". It's a list of things that we should say aloud to ourselves or write down repeatedly throughout the week. Evidently, if we say enough good things to ourselves during the days and weeks that lead up to the birth, we won't worry so much when the slimy lizard pops out from between her legs. I think that for anyone who is considering attending a Lamaze class in the future, it might be important for you to understand what you're in for.

Affirmations for the Man/Partner

1. I see my wife as a strong and capable woman, and this does not threaten me. (This may not threaten me, but I guarantee that if S.A. hears me spouting this drivel when she's in the hospital, she's definitely gonna threaten me.)
2. Childbirth is a safe and natural process. (Safe for who? It may be natural, but anything that involves screaming, blood, and what is apparently a mucus-covered reptile coming out of my wife's private region, can hardly be described as being exactly safe. And the fact that she's made it very clear that she doesn't care if I pass out and crack my head open on the floor in the delivery room, but I am damn well gonna be with her in the delivery room even though I really hate both needles and blood implies to me that the process may not be entirely safe for me either.)
   
3. I am supporting my wife during her labor, even when she is in pain. (I'm assuming they don't mean this in a literal sense. She's planning on being largely numb through the process and I am certainly not planning to hold her up through the whole process. Especially since both our mom's were in labor for 24 hours+ when in labor with us.)
   
4. It is OK for my wife to have pain during childbirth. I know the pain is temporary, and can't harm her. (Again, can't harm her??? Episiotomy, anyone?)
   
5. I am expressing my love to my wife easily and frequently. (Frequently, yes. As she gets crankier and clutzier, easily may be an overstatement.)
   
6. I am accepting the labor that is meant for us. (What's this us stuff??? I'm not going into labor. And who exactly meant it for us? If God intended for people to suffer through "natural childbirth" he wouldn't have invented epidurals.)
   
7. I am accepting feelings of helplessness, and I know that these feelings are normal. (I'm confused. How am I helpless? Do I need help? Should I be more helpful? I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed to do any of the pushing.)
   
8. I am feeling the love others have for me when I need support. (This is complete crap. People do not give a shit when I need support. When we have company to the house now, they don't even bother to say hello to me. The general order of events is- Ask how "Mama" is doing; rub her stomach; go look at the nursery. People are not concerned about dad needing any support.)
   
9. I am sensitive, tender, open, and trusting. (I'm not really known for being sensitive or tender; I tend to be a little too open; and, as they say on the X-Files, "Trust no-one.")
   

2005 in Review

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? I made a baby.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I’ve never made a New Year’s Resolution. I’m gonna this year, though.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Two of my wife’s cousins had their first babies. We’re up next.
4. Did anyone close to you die? No.
5. What countries did you visit? None.
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? I’m gonna have a baby boy.
7. What dates from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Friday, August 5th. That’s the day we found out we were pregnant.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I got hired and promoted twice in a 6-month span.
9. What was your biggest failure? I live the same failure every day. I will never be able to live up to the example set forth for me by my grandpa.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Healthy as a horse.
11. What was the best thing you bought? Fertility shots.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My mother-in-law. At some point this year, she finally crossed over into the light and declared (at least to my wife and I) that’s she’s no longer a Republican and she agrees that President Bush IS evil.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Dubya’s
14. Where did most of your money go? I’m not sure. It sure did disappear fast, though.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Sam
16. What song will always remind you of 2005? Beautiful Boy
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? WAY Happier b) thinner or fatter? Fatter c) richer or poorer? About the same, but looking up.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? I wish I'd spent more time with the gang.
    
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Procrastinating
20. How did you spend Christmas? Christmas Eve was with my family – S.A., Mom, Pop, Frog, Aunt Marie, Uncle Joe & Aunt Beck, Jake, & Sara. Christmas Day was with S.A.’s clan. Sylv & Danno, Rach & Jeff, Matt & Joe, Amy, Joe & the girls, the Scotts, more Hamps, assorted grandparents, etc.
21. Did you fall in love in 2005? Every day, over and over again
22. How many one-night stands? None
23. What was your favorite TV program? House or West Wing
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? No.
25. What was the best book you read? S.A. formatted and put every installation of NPR’s This I Believe series in a binder of me for Christmas. I read it, with tears streaming down my face, for hours.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery? More of a re-deiscovery really. Hooked on Classics. This time on CD.
27. What did you want and get? A good job and a pregnant wife.
28. What did you want and not get? A jeep.
29. What was your favorite film of this year? I think I went to fewer movies this year than any year since I got my driver’s license.
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I don’t think I really did much. I turned 27.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Finshing up the mortgage process.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? “Sweetie? What should I wear???”
    
33. What kept you sane? Who says I’m sane?
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Can’t really think of anybody offhand.
35. What political issue stirred you the most? Iraq.
36. Who did you miss? Drew, Shawna, Steve, Michelle, Jen, Kerry, Carol, & PJ
37. Who was the best new person you met? I don’t really think I met anyone new this year, but I’m closer than before with a number of people.
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: Stuff works out.
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"If not for you
My sky would fall,
Rain would gather too.
Without your love I'd be nowhere at all,
I'd be lost if not for you."
-George Harrison
“If Not for You”

Computers can do anything... including berate morons.

My company provides technical support to a local non-profit agency. Specifically, my predecessor designed a pair of MAMMOTH databases in Microsoft Access for them to track all of their operations. The databases are absolutely gigundo, so they require a certain amount of periodic maintenance.

The administrator in change of overseeing the database is basically computer illiterate. This would not be nearly as frustrating if it was not obvious that this was practiced illiteracy, cultivated for the sole purpose of providing an excuse for making ridiculous requests of the people who work on the database, namely me.

My predecessor used to get extremely frustrated because whenever she told the administrator that it was not possible to she what she wanted with their current computer setup, the administrator unfailingly responded with, "Yvonne, computers can do ANYTHING. You just have to tell them."

Yvonne, not being a confrontational person, would just bite her tongue and live with it. Or so I thought before today.

I was called to that office this morning because the administrator had managed to blow up the database. This wasn't a hug crisis, as far as I was concerned, because the database is backed up every day, so even in a worst case scenario, we could always pull the previous version off the backup tape and we'd be fine. However, it appeared to me once I looked at her machine that the problem she was encountering may be due to some sort of corruption of the macros, the small sub-programs that Yvonne had written into the original database. I decided to take a look at them and see if there was anything obvious that I could fix. What I found nearly sent me into convultions from laughing.

My former boss, always polite and well-mannered, had written custom error messages into the macros that would only show up when the administrator did something particularly hair-brained. Messages like "Wrong Button, Dummy" and "That's not the right way to do it. Duh!" were sprinkled throughout the macros. Great stuff.

I have a whole new level of respect for Yvonne, now.

Laterz.

Christmas Thank Yous

First things first-

I, again, must apologize for not writing as often as I ought. I realize that there are a certain group of folks who look forward to reading my blog and, though I question their rather alarming lack of taste in reading material, I still feel an obligation to update most often than I have the past while. Mea culpa.

I also have 1 request to send out.

Laura- If you’re reading this, could you grab my black leather jacket from your Grandpa’s front room if you visit him this week? I left it there when S.A. and I left and I can get it when I see you this weekend. Thanks a ton. (No obligation, I just thought you might be around there during the week.)

That said, today’s blog is pretty much a long thank you letter. It is, by and large, more serious than most of my blogs, so you’ll have to forgive me. If you’re looking for comedy, you should probably check back in tomorrow. I promise I’ll try to get back to normal.

• An extended and repeated Merry Christmas, Happy Chanuka, etc. to all the Poker Gang. Y’all are the biggest reason that Michigan again feels like home to me for the first time in 10 years.


• Liam- I’m happy to play surrogate dad when the situation dictates. Make sure your family knows, if they start to tease you that your friends feel a need to play that role, that I hope that my son turns out very much like you in many respects.


• Johnny & Adrian- I’m proud of you both. It’s not easy being the adults in a house full of really big kids.


• Skippy – You’re smarter than you let on. Don’t treat that like something about which you should be embarrassed. Keep following your musical dream. You’ve already shown more balls on that front than I was ever able to and I still regret that on a regular basis. DO NOT let day-to-day living take away from that. Corporate America will suck out your soul if you let it.


• Paul, Trav, Susanna, etc. – We love you all.


• Merry Christmas and a large Thank You to Kev. It’s kind of fun to be pushing 30 and to again have a “best friend”. Remember that, for all the jokes we make about your being a geeky, selfish bastard, you have an awful lot to offer. There are very few intelligent, polite, selfless people in the world. That should be a source of confidence for you, not of embarrassment.


• To the Tropic Cove Bowling Team – Thanks guys. This is the most fun I’ve even had with a team in any sport that I wasn’t coaching.


• Frog – You’re good people. You still irritate the piss out of me from time to time, but I can’t wait to watch what a great aunt you’ll be. Remember when I say I think you’re gonna be Aunt Ev that Aunt Ev was ALWAYS my favorite Aunt. I HOPE the Sam thinks you’re just like her.

• Mom & Pop- Thanks for everything this Christmas. Sorry we couldn't go to Church with you, but I think that the extra family time is way more valuable than church anway. As always you spent way too much money on us, but we certainly appreciate it.
  

• Danno & Sylv- I am incredibly blessed to have 2 sets of parents. Thank you for everything.
  

• Jeff & Matt - I now know what it would be like to have brothers. Thanks guys.
  

• Rachel - You've always been Sarah's best friend. Strangely, I'm starting to feel like you one of mine, too. Thanks.

• Joe- When that RoboSapiens learns to play baseball, let me know. Aunt Sarah & I both love you.

• To the entire Hamp Clan- Thanks for making me part of your family even when I know there are certainly times you'd probably like to deposit me in the nearest snowbank.

• Hello, Merry Christmas, and we miss you to the whole Barry Gang. Shawna, Michelle, Jen, Drew, Stev, Kerry, Dr. M, P.J., & J.K. We're stuck here in Michigan without a huge chuck of our family. Hopefully you all can make it to Michigan sometime this year once Sam's born.

And last, but certainly not least-

• Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and I Love You to S.A. You're my whole world, at least for the next 3 months or so.
  

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, etc. to everyone. I hope next year is as happy and fulfulling for all of you as this one has been for us.

Laterz

Whoohoo! 2 Days in a Row!

Interesting fact that may interest only me- Andrew Andrew pointed out that if my wife has any monogrammed stuff, she can soon give it to our son. He'll think it's just got his name on it.

Anyway, I stole a meme from Andrew Andrew. I do that quite often. Lucky you.

Name? Spike

Birthday? April 2nd. Obviously a day late.

Current location? In my office at work. Where else would I blog?

Eye Color? Blue

Hair Color? Hair? I don't need no steenkeen hair!

Height? 6 feet, 1 and 5/8 inches

Right Handed or Left Handed? Right

Your heritage? Mostly French on one side and North Irish on the other

The shoes you wore today? Scuffed up Payless "dress shoes"

Your weakness? I am indestructable. (Unless a somewhat oversized ego could somehow be interpreted as a weakness.)

Your fears? Too many to count.

Your perfect pizza? Ham & Pineapple

Goal you would like to achieve in 2006? Actually turn a profit in my golf shop.

Your most overused phrase on an instant messenger? Gotcha

First thoughts upon waking up today? Sweet. S.A.'s waking me up so I don't have to hear my g*dd*mn alarm.

Your best physical feature? My height

Your bedtime? No less than 45 minutes after S.A. goes to bed. Generally around 10:30

Your most missed memory? I miss college. It may sound cliche, but thems were some good times.

Pepsi or Coke? DIET Coke

McDonalds or Burger King? I am NOT a fast food guy. Doesn't matter what I eat. It all makes me sick.

Single or Group Dates? Single. S.A.'s not into the groups thing. ::nudge, nudge::

Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea? Lipton. (In a 20 oz bottle)

Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate

Cappuccino or Coffee? Prolly Cappuccino, but I'm okay with either.

Do you smoke? Hell no.

Do you swear? I'm doing my best to quit. I don't want my son to sound like me.

Do you sing? Every day. I used to sing in a band, but my stage fright was so bad I had to sing the first song with my back to the audience.

Do you shower daily? Yup.

Have you been in love? I am truly, deeply, rediculously in love. Thankfully, she's willing to put up with me, too. I suspect that may have something to do with my being the one who plows the driveway.

Do you want to go to college? Yup. I'm going be a pre-school teacher some day. At my current rate of study, that day will be in about 60 years.

Do you want to get married? Again? I don't think polygamy is for me.

Do you believe in yourself? I'm a mental mess. I have unreasonable confidence most of the time, but lately I spend way to much time worrying about screwing up the lives of everyone around me. (This whole having a kid thing is mentally kicking my ass.)

Do you get motion sickness? Only if the moving thing is a crowded elevator.

Do you think you are attractive? I know I'd do me.

Are you a health freak? Nope. I'm very health conscious, but way too lazy to really do it right.

Do you get along with your parents? Very well. (In-laws, too.)

Do you like thunderstorms? Love 'em.

Do you play an instrument? Piano and harmonica.

In the past month have you drank alcohol? Yes. I had a Woodchuck's at my sister's over Thanksgiving.

In the past month have you smoked? No

In the past month have you been on drugs? Lots of 'em. (ADD meds, antidepressants, allergy meds, etc.)

In the past month have you gone on a date? Nope. But I sit on the floor in front of my wife and talk to her belly as we watch TV most nights. That's waaaayyyy better.

In the past month have you gone to a mall? Yes. Also over Thanksgiving. I frickin' HATE the mall. And I REALLY HATE jewelry store clerks. I need a shirt that says "I'M JUST LOOKING! F**K OFF!"

In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos? No. I don't like Oreos.

In the past month have you eaten sushi? HELL NO.

In the past month have you been on stage? Nope

In the past month have you been dumped? No

In the past month have you gone skinny dipping? I haven't been skinny dipping since I got married.

In the past month have you stolen anything? Nope.

Ever been drunk? Uh. YEAH. (I do have a college degree.)

Ever been called a tease? Yup.

Ever been beaten up? No

Ever shoplifted? Long long ago. I shoplifted baseball cards in junior high. My Dad made me take 'em back in.

How do you want to die? When I was in 3rd grade, Mike Barney and I decided that we wanted to fall into a spring-loaded trash compactor covered in spikes. I'm not into slow deaths, but I'm all about gore.

What do you want to be when you grow up? I'm not gonna grow up. I wouldn't say I'm Peter Pan, but, come to thing of it, I do seem to have my own band of Lost Boys.

What country would you most like to visit? The UK. Lots of golf and everybody speaks English.

Reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated.

Sorry, Gang.

I just wanted to let y'all know that I am not, in fact, dead.

I know I've been shitty about updating this thing but life has been slightly insane lately.

A brief rundown of reasons for not writing-

1. I've been promoted to Director of my division at work. This may not seem like a hardship, but it's been rough. I was hired as a part-time tech trainer about 6 months ago. I was then promoted to office manager, but they didn't hire a new tech trainer so I was doing 2 jobs. Now I've been promoted to Director but we still haven't hired anyone new so I'm now doing 3 jobs and I'm going rapidly insane.

2. We're pregnant and we just found out it's a boy. Again, this is in no way a hardship, but it's taking a great deal of my mental faculties to deal with all the associated stuff on a day-to-day basis.

3. I'm a lazy bastard.

Anyway, I PROMISE I'll try to do better from now on. And on that note...

I HATE WINTER!!!!!!!

I cannot state this strongly enough. I know, you're saying, "Why the **** do you live in Michigan, then, dumbass???"

But I agreed to move back to MI (where I grew up) from Miami (where I went to college) when I got engaged. S.A. is also from Michigan and she stated, quite emphatically, that she was NOT going to live and have children in Miami. So we moved. However, days like the past couple
give me serious doubts about the wisdom of that decision.

I assume that, if you're a regular reader of S.A.'s blog, you've read a nice romantic view of the beauty of Northern Michigan under a layer of new-fallen snow. (I assume, because I haven't had time to read her blog lately.) I, on the other hand, will give you a more realistic view of things.

S.A. and I went to leave for work yesterday morning and found that, due to the 15" of snow we'd received overnight, there was absolutely no way we were going to be able to get our cars out of the driveway. I called my uncle, who lives a couple blocks away, and asked him if he could drive S.A. to work so she wouldn't be too late. He happily did so. And I went about trying to shove my driveway so I could leave.

All my life, I assumed that a paved driveway would be easier to keep clean during the winter. This is, of course, because I grew up with a long gravel driveway. The grass is always greener and all that jazz. I may have been correct. However, I did not take into account, when we moved into our house, that a paved driveway that goes dramatically uphill as it leads to the road is swiftly converted to an ice rink, from which no 2-wheel-drive car can escape, unless you are extremely diligent about plowing and salting. I'm not diligent.

More to the point, I didn't own a snow blower and the driveway is rather long, so shoveling over a foot of snow from it before work in the morning is a difficult proposition. However, as there did not seem to be any other option, I went to it.

I shoveled for about 20 minutes before I heard the sound of a tractor starting in my neighbor’s barn. I turned around and out he came, riding his John Deere. He buzzed up and down the driveway (Okay, maybe rumbled is a better term.) and signaled to me that the driveway was clear and I could now leave.

In reality, the only CLEAR part of the driveway was the layer of ice covering the pavement. I barely touch the gas and my wheels began to spin. Needless to say, I was still going nowhere. Obviously feeling pity for me, he backed his tractor up to my rear bumper, pushing the rear blade right up against my car are proceeded to push me up my driveway. Had I any pride at all, it might have been somewhat embarrassing.

By the afternoon, I had arranged to purchase a new snow blower. Unfortunately, snow blowers do not fit in the trunk of a '98 Nissan Sentra, so I also had to find someone with a vehicle to help me bring my new beast home. Since I was having significant difficulty finding anyone available before 5pm, when the store closed, I decided to attempt to use my uncle's 2-wheel-drive pickup. All of you who have tried to drive a 2-wheel-drive up a steep, extremely icy hill say it with me now.

Bloody moron.

I succeeded in fishtailing the truck ridiculously close to the front door of my house and only stopped when I realized that 6 more inches and I going to be parked in our entryway. I then called my dad and begged him to stop what he was doing and help me pick up my snow blower and move the truck back where it belonged. Thankfully, he complied.

I finished blowing the driveway at about 8pm. But not until I'd gotten another of our cars stuck and un-stuck.

I HATE winter.

Laterz

FUMMMMMBBBBBLLLLLE!!!!!

It turns out there's a reason that regulation NFL footballs aren't grown in gardens.

Our friend Tim came over to play poker a few months ago. He brought us a melon. We didn't really know what kind of melon it was and Tim didn't say, but we gratefully accepted it, because Tim's our only friend who does those things and we try to set a good example for the rest of the kids who play poker with us.

The melon, however, was very dark green with orange spots on it. S.A. and I guessed it was probably something similar to a cantaloupe or a muskmelon, must it really was just a guess. Because neither of us likes any kind of melon except for watermelon, we decided we would hold on to it until we had a chance to give it to my mom, who loves melon of every sort.

So it sat on our counter for a couple months.

Somewhat amazingly, it didn't start to visibly rot in all that time. However, this weekend, when I woke up at 4:30am on Sunday with an urge to do some major house-cleaning (It's a sickness that runs in my family. Don't ask.), I decided that I would run it out to the field behind our house and drop it out there. I figured some hungry deer might eat it.

Now, for those of you who don't know me well, I'm a sort of high-energy guy. I don't normally walk places, and when I have work to do, I try to turn it into some sort of game or contest with myself in order to make the time pass more quickly and make the task more enjoyable.

Since I also had a spaghetti squash that needed to be tossed, I carried both items onto my back porch, wearing my slippers and pjs. It's about 50 yards from my back porch to the beginning of the field/swamp that's out behind the house. Tossing the squash up in the air and catching it, I decided that I could easily toss it from the porch into the field, thereby creating a fun game for myself (How far can I throw a squash?) and also removing the necessity to actually go out into by back yard in the 50mph+ wind gusts that wracked Northern Michigan on Sunday. However, having a very good knowledge of sports medicine and physiology, I knew that throwing it overhand without warming up first would probably result in some sort of injury and may even necessitate of the removal of an arm. (I'm REALLY out of shape.) Therefore, I threw it discus-style.

The throw was a success, landing 10 yards or so into the long grass, but I realized that, considering how much heavier the melon was, I might very well be unsuccessful in throwing it all the way out there. I also have some experience with what happens with melons dropped from a considerable height, so I knew I really didn't want this thing exploding all over my back yard. I've been trying to clean the yard up for winter and I knew that an exploding melon can create quite a mess.

So I decided I was gonna have to carry it out there.

My drive for fun still soundly in place, I decided to tuck the melon under my arm, running-back-style, and dodge imaginary defenders on my way through the back yard.

The first couple defenders missed me as I executed a perfect spin move around a wooden bench. I sped by another defender running straight down the field and then realized I had only one defender left to beat. With a huge gust of wind blowing me to the left, I went left, planted my slippered foot, and threw my shoulders back to the right. My upper body shot to the right...

And my feet flew out of my slippers and went left.

I went down hard, protecting the melon with both arms in front of me, as any good halfback would. It turns out there's a good reason that they don't run football practice with melons.

Considering that me primary for carrying the melon through the yard in the first place was to avoid a mess, I really had to consider my plan a failure. Landing on what turns out to be a very nice watermelon (D'oh!) resulted in my having watermelon goop all over my pj pants and t-shirt as well as in my mouth, ears, and hair. It also led to my being concerned that I may have cracked a rib on the doggone melon, as it hurt quite a bit to take a breath.

It turns out that I'm fine. No harm done. Well, excluding the melon.

-----------------------------------

1 other short note.

S.A. and I were chatting about being pregnant last night. I make a comment about "by boys" getting the job done.

She replied that it would have been nice if they'd gotten it done a bit more quickly, so we hadn't stressed for YEARS.

I replied that she should have expected that. There are MY sperm, after all, and I never do anything the first few times she asks me.

She should have given them a damn list.

I'm guessing she could have thought of a good place to put it.

Laterz.

MacDanno

I've recently discovered another major difference between men and women. Appreciation of ingenuity.

Examples-

My father-in-law is a neat guy. He's a blacksmith and a wood-worker and is always making all sorts of neat stuff. However, a couple weeks ago, he outdid himself.

We were up at S.A.'s family cabin and one of the Jeeps had a flat tire. As any logical person would do, Danno went to get his air compressor. This occasion was unique, however, because Danno's air compressor is HOME-MADE. He had taken an old propane tank and attached it to an old electric motor and a 50-year-old compressor turbine thingy ("Where does one get a 'compressor turbine thingy'?", you ask. Behind the shed, of course. Duh.) and attached them all to a wooden plank on wheels (for ease in moving). And, voila! A home-made air compressor.

Needless to say, we boys gathered around this magnificent beast expressing our awe at the skill and mental resources that one must posess in order to create such a spectactular example of human inginuity. (And, of course, taking pictures.) Danno was like MacGuyver in Santa's body.

The girls, on the other hand, stood around making jokes about "Daddy's pet compressor" and generally acting embarrassed as he pulled the compressor down the driveway by an attached string.

We boys discussed their indefensible behavior and hoped that it was a one-time occurence. Going unsaid was the common belief that this was not, in all probability, the case.

A few days later, I personally became the victim of this rediculous femine bias against ingenuity.

My wife, who is now about 4 1/2 months pregant, mentioned to me that it was almost time that the baby could begin to hear the sounds of the outside world. S.A. and I have discussed at some length the value in exposing an unborn baby to music while still inthe womb. I've even burned a couple cds specifically for that purpose.

Therefore, I went to get headphones to put on her stomach. Unfortunately, S.A. really hasn't gained any weight yet and, therefore, does not have enough of a tummy to attach the headphones to. However, since my headphone swivel, I figured I could just put them in a flattened position and attach them to her middle.

I ran to my closet and get a belt. I ran the belt through the headphones and ran back to Sarah to strap the headphones on her.

Inexplicably, she pushed me away. My wife, one of the smartest people I know, and also a person who agress with me about the importance of music early in development, would not allow me to strap the headphones around her middle because it looked silly. Now, we were alone in our bedroom. The only person who would see it would be me, and, to be honest, I've already seen her in a compromising position or two. (Remember, I've been present for a number of trans-vaginal ultrasounds.) Even the baby can't see the setup. He/she would only reap the rewards thereof.

But no. S.A. made it very clear to me that she WOULD NOT be wearing the headphones held on by a belt. If I wanted our unborn child to be able to listen to music, I was damn well gonna have to hold the headphones in place myself.

All this drama was over the fact that my setup looked a little bit unique. The brilliance of the invention, that it could be worn around the house or in bed without being concerned that they'd fall off, was completely lost to her.

Sheer silliness.

I'd love to believe that this disregard for ingenuity is unique in women sharing S.A.'s genetic makeup, but somehow I doubt it. It's a little bit depressing.

Laterz

Blog suggestion

I'm sitting her killing time and so I have just looked at technorati.com for ideas about other folks blogs that I might enjoy reading. Being a gigantic geek, I searcedh for Star Wars themed blogs. They gave me TONS of options when I used Vader and Chewbacca as search terms. Wonder of wonders, I actually found a good, funny, well-written blog. So, since I personally find that decent blogs are almost impossible to come by, here's a plug for it. Check it out.

Helldorado